Sunday, November 2, 2008

Thanks to Hilary for this wonderful post

Dear Red States

If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving.
We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. That includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs do turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce,92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90%of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe the earth is only 6,000 years old and Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws; 44% say that evolution is only a theory; 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than us lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
--the Blue States


hilary said...

Great post eh? Michelle actually sent me that in an cracked me up! Glad you liked it too.
P.S. Can't believe you're having a kid, you look great!

CookFamily said...

So happy to be in a tan state. Looking forward to turning things around tomorrow!

WesandFaith said...

I know your blog says don't read if you get offended easily...sure it is down a few I am kind of offended that you have the gusto to put this up. I am sorry you dislike our country so much. And it really bothers me because my husband is one of those men out there protecting your rights to say this crap on the computer. I know that Iraq had to happen so that children (like the one in your stomach) could grow up in a free world. Something they haven't been able to do for YEARS AND YEARS. Maybe when you have your child this will mean something to you. They have had so much success over there, that American's will NEVER hear about. There is alot ALOT of good going on over there.. Just thought you would like to know that. And if you are so unhappy with our country feel free to leave at any time. i am sure your family will benefit greatly for the decision!

JessicaBW said...

Faith -
My blog post has nothing to do with what your husband is doing over in Iraq. I completely respect everything that he is doing, however, I don't feel like our government is concerned about the freedom of the citizens of this country.
I don't think that my child will change my views on this country. If anything my child will motivate me more to get out of this country and move to a country that can provide my child a better life.

WesandFaith said...

I wasn't saying your child will change your views of the country. I am saying Iraq though it is stupid and frustrating (trust me my husband has been gone 4 1/2 years out of 7) It is annoying. But children (like the one in your tummy) have the opportunity to live in a better country and have a better life because of Iraq happening.
I agree that the government doesn't see that our country needs more help than it is getting. My husband agrees also, that is why he is getting out of the military because he doesn't want to baby sit another country. And he is going to be a police officer because then he will feel he is doing for our childrens' benefit. Anyway, I am not upset anymore. Life has moved on, and I still think you are a good person. Hope you are well.

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