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Craft Wednesday! - Martha Effin Stewart - Braided Headband

2011-05-21T21:58:00.006-06:00

Okay - I did this on a Wednesday. I found this great tutorial on a headband HERE

Here is my own tutorial through pictures :) My advice - MEASURE!!!! Otherwise your headband will be too tight and won't even fit your 3 year old niece.

Cut your fabric (any fabric, I used leftovers from my BOX project) into 6 equal strips that will fit MOSTLY around your head, or the intended wearers head.

Next clip the fabrics together at the end and braid them.
Tack the ends together so they don't come loose.

Then sew the ends together on both ends of the braids. Make sure they don't twist.

Cut an elastic in half and sandwich it between both ends of the braids. Sew in the elastic. Make sure not to twist the braids.
To create a nice finished look, cut a small piece of fabric and wrap it around the frayed ends. You can either sew it on or use fabric glue.

And done! Works great as a gift and a lovely hair accessory!

Martha Effing Stewart - Egg dying project

2011-04-26T00:19:00.006-06:00

I found a couple of tutorials via Stumble! (love it, get it, you'll love it). I found this tutorial and used it with some friends to do our own Egg Dying Project!

We used some of Tyson's terrible ties for our project - so rummage through your closet and see if you can find any!

I am not an optimist

2011-04-07T00:04:00.002-06:00

Most of you are probably thinking -"Yeah, no shit."
I have been a working realist for many years. I'm not sure when this attitude came upon me or if it has just been with me my entire life. I feel like I have tried to look at the bright side of things in most situations, but I seem to have lost my tact in that area.

But when I see a sinking ship - I'm going to call it a sinking ship.

I don't have a lot of trust or hope in other people. Some of you would be surprised to know this, seeing that I do work in the mental health field. I came to the conclusion long ago that people are going to make their own decisions NO MATTER WHAT. The only thing I can do is give them information and/or skills to make those decisions. Most of the kids that I have worked with over the past 6 years are not what I would describe as, "doing well." There are a few here and there that seem to have gotten there heads on straight, but majority still struggles everyday.

So why do I do what I do? The truth is, I don't know. I guess somewhere inside of me I hope that I make a difference. I hope that one day someone, somewhere is thinking about something I told them and make a good decision.

I read, Always Looking Up by Michael J Fox. I don't read a lot of books ever (something I've been meaning to change about myself). I found this book in an airport after being told by someone that I am obviously not an optimist. (Yeah, no shit.) I took me a few weeks to actually read this book, not that I'm a slow reader or that it was boring, but because I never seem to have the time to read and concentrate to actually read a book. Which is also probably why I have about 3 books I am reading at one time. ANYWAY - this book was really good. It opened my eyes into the world of someone with Parkinson's Disorder and how he has struggled to live a normal life. My respect for this man grew greatly. And it made me reflect upon myself and my realism. Most of the time my realism is helpful to people. Those that live in LALA world need someone like me. However, there are those incidents where people don't need realism, they need a hug from an optimist that will tell them it's going to be okay... even if it won't be.

What will my kid think?

I'm the biggest slacker....

2011-03-26T21:20:00.010-06:00

Alright alright - it's been almost a year since I have posted. I apologize greatly. I could go on and on about the excuses I have but I won't. There are more important things to do!
Below is my first "Martha Effing Stewart" project. I plan to do more in the future!
I stole this from HERE

Supplies Needed:

Cardboard box that is the size you want to make your box (I used left over diaper boxes that have been used as our previous toy boxes)
Fabric (enough to cover the box- I used 1 yard and 4 inches of material)
Box cutter or exacto knife
Spray Adhesive (the original tutorial suggested Mod Podge, which I purchased first. However it was NOT adhesive at all, maybe I grabbed the wrong one, I don't know)
Measuring Tape
Pen
Scissors

1. Decide which side will be the top of your box. Using the box cutter, cut off the top of the box, leaving the sides in tact. See picture below of what to cut off.

2. Take the remaining box apart, carefully. Place your fabric design side down, and lay your box flat on top of it.

3. Trace around the parts that will be exposed when the box is reassembled. (See below, the flaps that have arrows, those will not be shown, therefore put them up and don't trace them)

4. Once you have traced the box onto the fabric, draw a second line 1-2 inches outside of the existing line (this will be where you will cut). See below.

5. Reassemble the box, inside out (this way the color from the box doesn't show through). Glue it back together with the spray adhesive.

6. Once the box is assembled, you can now apply the fabric. Apply the fabric to the sides of the box first. Spray the adhesive first and smooth the fabric over the box.

7. Wrap the loose edges around into the box for a smooth finish. You can fill the inside with the extra fabric.

Miss Universe Time!!!

2010-08-22T23:44:00.001-06:00

Here are my final thoughts for Miss Universe:
Just missing the cut (Top 20):

Australia- Strangely enough I didn't have her anywhere in my top 20 after watching prelims- however looking back I realized that she may be closer than I think.
Japan - She was incredible on stage, I thought she brought something different and calm.
Jamaica - Let it be known that I am only putting her this close because I felt like she really brought it during prelims, however based on photos alone I would NOT have had her in the semi-finals.
Slovak Republic - I loved her from the beginning! Until she came out on stage in that horrid Gatorade gown. I was so hoping for a Jessica Rabbit look when she came out, but sadly I was disappointed. I wish that she would still make the semi's but she will not go any farther in that, unless she changes her gown.
Canada - Based on height alone she could be in. She takes incredible action photos, but still photos not so much. And sometimes she looks like a tranny.
Top 15:

New Zealand - I really hate looking at photos of this woman, I just don't like the cat eyes big mouth thing. But she did bring some flair to the stage. So I put her in based on stage performance alone.
Argentina - Yesica is my soft spot. I really like her. Her dress is terrible and she seemed nervous on stage. But I just think she is SO CUTE!!! Like little puppy cute.
Czech Republic - I loved this girl during prelims - I thought she brought some energy to that stage. Jitka also brings that young, fresh innocence with her.
South Africa - She is an obvious one. I did feel like she could have brought more to the stage and could have been a little more sassy than she was.
Philippines - I do not understand Venus AT ALL. However, she has a great presence on stage so I will give her that. But I do not think she is facially beautiful enough to crack the five.

Top 10:

France - I want her to break into the top 5, if not win the entire thing, but being realistic, I don't think that is going to happen.
Venezuela - The second country to produce the most AMAZING women. Many did not like Marelisa's smiley smiley image on stage, but I just love her. I think it was said in chat, but it makes me want to be her best friend!
Brazil - I love her. I think Brazil produces some of the most beautiful women in the world, and Debora is no exception.
Ukraine - How can anyone not think she is beautiful? She may be a beast but the judges don't know that yet.
USA - Sash factor. I love Rima and I thought she was great at Miss USA, but as always between then and now, she has lost some of that spark (a la: Chelsie Cooley, Tara Conner)

TOP 5:

4th RU: Guatemala - This girl had SEX written all over her face the ENTIRE time. And I LOVE it.

3rd RU: Mexico - I know there are a lot of haters out there for Mexico, but I think she was incredible and wowed me the ENTIRE time.

2nd RU: Russia - I love this girls innocence and facial beauty, but I think she may lose the game when we have her speak. Not because she is stupid, but because she seems so very young

1st RU: Ireland - As much as I want this girl to win, I just don't think it will actually happen. I mean Rozanna is everything that I WANT in a Miss Universe, she is beautiful, approachable, funny, normal, but I feel like every time they have an incredible winner like her, MUO misses the boat.

WINNER: Puerto Rico - I know I know, the Shakira hair just isn't awesome. But she looks incredible in every photo I have seen her in, and she could wear a burlap sack and still look amazing.

Bubble:
Paraguay - I wanted her to be in my top 20, but after prelims, she fell flat for me.
Albania - I originally wanted her in my Top 20 but as I look back, I'm thinking maybe not.
Peru - Also in my original Top 20, but after looking at photos, I realized that she just may not get in.
Belgium- Facial beauty but that's about it
Costa Rica - Again, did not have her in there, but after looking through photos, she could be a surprise
Croatia - beautiful, but probably won't make the top 20.
Cyprus- also facially beautiful, except straight on.
Dominican Republic - Originally I had her in my Top 20, but looking back on photos, I think I had too much wine.
Greece - Stunning girl, but not making the cut.
Israel - Beautiful girl, but most likely won't make the cut.
Columbia - beautiful, but not enough excitement on stage to make it through.

Stop Drinking Bottled Water Now!

2010-08-08T12:56:00.001-06:00

Brian Clark Howard: Stop Drinking Bottled Water Now! (Infographic): "

Bottled water is healthy water -- or so marketers would have us believe. Just look at the bottled water labels or ads: deep, pristine pools of spring water; majestic alpine peaks ... In reality, bottled water is just water; however, that fact isn't stopping people from buying a lot of it.

Here are some solid reasons to kick the bottled water habit from our friends at Term Life Insurance.

"I don't get along with girls"

2010-06-23T10:26:00.002-06:00

I hate this excuse. The girls I work with at the treatment center make this excuse all of the time. Here is what I chalk it up to (most of the time):

Most girls in this world (ages 10-29) go through a period of struggling with their self esteem. For some this can result in some pretty devastating circumstances (drugs, sex, rock&roll). For others, it can turn them hard and defensive. Both results create an "I don't get along with girls" attitude.

From what I have seen, once a girl starts to feel confident about herself and appreciative and empathetic for those that struggle with their own self esteem, it is then that a girl can then be "get along" with other girls. Sometimes this may take several years and be into their 30's by the time this confidence and security sets in. Sometimes it never does.

I don't think that in order to have a successful or happy life, girls have to get along with other girls. I have just found in my own life, I feel happier when I am not in conflict with someone else. And to be in conflict with an entire gender would make me miserable.

Currently I am in conflict with someone. Not anyone that I am particularly close to, or even know well at all. However, it has consumed me for the past few days. I said something about this person that was rude (I called her a BEOTCH. Not a bitch. A BEOTCH. In my land, there is a very distinct difference). It was a general statement, based on my limited interaction with her. Now, in no way did I mean this as an attack, it was a simple statement. However, I understand that this was rude and could be seen as an attack on her personal character.

For those of you that know me well, know that I have a mouth, a bad one. And I tend to go off and say silly things sometimes, mostly sarcastic comments. This situation was one of those. Although, I do think that this particular girl is kind of snotty, probably because she has stated that she is not "friends with girls," that's not why I don't like her, but as stated above, girls that have this attitude usually come off defensive and sometimes snotty (which is a defense mechanism that relates to low self esteem or lack of self confidence). I don't really NOT like her, I just have not had any positive experiences with her. Which in my world means that she is a BEOTCH.

We all live in our own little worlds. I think we all need to remember, at times, that we are guests in everyone's world.

So welcome to my world. I have lots of opinions. Although they may be incorrect, they are mine. And opinions make us who we are. As well as our actions, and I would say that my actions are genuine and kind.

Don't worry about it

2010-06-12T13:26:00.002-06:00

Alright people - I'm not a freak and I'm fine. Thanks for caring.
Sometimes I just need to write down what I am feeling and get it out and express it.
As some of you may not know, I was recently let go from my job at the ECT clinic. I am so distraught and whenever I think about it, I cry. I miss my family there. Over the past three years, I have become very close to not only the staff but also the patients. Depression is such a terrible disease and in such a small clinic one becomes VERY close to the patients that we see. Some are regulars, they come in every 2-5 weeks. I've seen so many people go through the clinic and I have seen their lives change. I believe in everything that the ECT clinic does, and every staff that works there. And I miss my family there.
I feel such a huge loss and I do feel a huge piece of my heart is missing. I feel empty. It was more than just a job for me. I believed in my work and I believed in helping people.

I know that I can continue helping others and move on with my life. I am excited about the new position I will be working at the adolescent treatment center. I am excited that I will be able to use a lot of my skills that I have learned over the years. And I am glad that I am still able to make an impact on other people's lives.

Goodbye to my ECT family - hopefully I can come back someday.

I should write more

2010-06-03T21:37:00.003-06:00

I was inspired today to actually write more on this blog. Not to make money (haha) but to feel a sense of purpose. Sometimes when I get really depressed, I lose my sense of purpose and I feel like I don't have purpose anymore and that there may not be any reason to continue. I'm glad that I am not the only person that feels this. After reading this I felt purpose again. I'm not sure what the purpose is, but it's something.
Currently, I'm at a fork in the road. Where do I go from here? This was not in my 5 year plan. I'm glad that I am not the only one who's 5 year plan was destroyed. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is sad a lot. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is afraid sometimes of what the future has and if I actually made the right decision.
So, for those of you that read this blog (although I know very few do), thank you for reading and hearing and listening.
I'm going to write more about what is real. My anger is expressed mostly, but there is more in there, I promise. I hurt too. I get really sad too. And sometimes, I don't want to live anymore. So for today I have purpose. Thanks.

A Terrific Gay Wedding Announcement

2010-06-02T12:09:00.002-06:00

A Terrific Gay Wedding Announcement: "

I love an engaged lesbian couple with a sense of humor:

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.... it's not as funny if a straight couple does it.
I guess if I ever get a divorce - I could also destroy the sanctity of marriage and have a party!

Weird stalker post below......

2010-04-02T20:40:00.002-06:00

Can I just say how much I LOVE Heather Armstrong (www.dooce.com). She pretty much says EVERYTHING that I am thinking (give or take a few of her WAY liberal comments). And she is such a better writer than me. I think I should just copy everything that she says, but I think she copyright's all of her stuff so then that wouldn't work out.

Today I was at work and I wanted to punch a co-worker in the face (not unusual). My anger toward this woman was not completely out of control (me being unable to breath) but I was still so bothered by her actions and I didn't know why. Finally, I left the situation and had to reflect silently on my rage towards this person. I figured it out, she was stepping into my turf. Not that I really have turf, but I can get pretty possessive and protective when it comes to my patients. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY PATIENTS. Wow, that felt good.

Anyway, what are you possessive over? And do you sometimes find yourself wanting to punch people in the face for some obscure reason?

WTF?

2010-03-29T21:10:00.002-06:00

Are you kidding me??? She wore JEANS on Jay Leno??!!!!!
I'm all for her image of the "down-home" girl from Alaska that kills animals and hides the pregnancy of her knocked up daughter. But JEANS???? REALLY???
I pray for our future people, I pray.....

Today

2010-03-21T15:02:00.002-06:00

Met up with an old friend today. It's quite strange how people change but they don't at the same time. Heard gossip about some old friends from High School. Again, interesting how you think people change but they really don't. I think I have changed but I'm told I'm the same.
I remember myself being much more cynical and depressed when I was in high school. I also think I was more arrogant and oblivious than I am now.

I like to think that I have changed into a better person. Isn't that what everyone strives for, to be different than we were, gain more knowledge and experience, become better people as we grow older?

I wonder what other people's perspective of me would be. Am I crazy? Am I a bitch? Am I the nicest human being on the planet(hahahahahahahaha, highly unlikely)?

A part of me wants to care what others think about me, but I just don't. I want to be happy in my life and I feel like worrying about what others think of me or how they perceive me to be will only disparage my own sense of self. I will take feedback and am willing to reflect on myself, however I refuse to spend my entire life trying to please other people and being worried that I am going to offend someone. Right? I mean, isn't that how everyone should live? ENJOYING life instead of being stressed out about it all the time?

I don't know, I guess that it works for me and it makes sense for me. Don't worry about what others think, what's important is what you think.

The Next Anti-Choice Target: Miscarriage [Roe Vs. World]

2010-02-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

WHAT?????!!!!!! How can the Utah Legislature think for ONE second that my uterus is ANY of their business. Next they are going to be kicking women out of the state that are unable to conceive and populate the world. You better watch your back my dear friends, because you just might be next!!!!!

The Next Anti-Choice Target: Miscarriage [Roe Vs. World]: "

A new Utah law could charge women with homicide if they miscarry, making women's rights advocates concerned that women will be brought up on murder charges for drinking, failing to wear a seatbelt, or falling down the stairs.

The bill passed Utah's state legislature last Thursday and still needs final approval by the governor, but it continues to gain attention this week for its unusually restrictive language. It doesn't address legal abortion, but allows punishment up to life in prison for an 'intentional, knowing, or reckless act' that leads to a miscarriage or abortion without a doctor's supervision. Especially concerning to some Utah Democrats and many women's rights activists is the word "reckless" — writing for RH Reality Check, Rachel Larris says,

Using the legal standard of 'reckless behavior' all a district attorney needs to show is that a woman behaved in a manner that is thought to cause miscarriage, even if she didn't intend to lose the pregnancy. Drink too much alcohol and have a miscarriage? Under the new law such actions could be cause for prosecution.

Women might also make themselves open to prosecution if they failed to wear a seatbelt and got in a car accident, if they stayed with an abusive partner, or even if they fell down the stairs, like a woman in Iowa who found herself jailed on suspicion of "attempted feticide." This woman eventually got off only because she wasn't yet in her third trimester — but unlike Iowa's feticide law, Utah's new bill would apply throughout pregnancy. Given that 15-20% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, 80% of those in the first trimester, Utah could have a lot of work ahead. Dan Savage writes,

If every miscarriage is a potential homicide, how does Utah avoid launching a criminal investigation every time a woman has a miscarriage? [...] And how is Utah supposed to know when a pregnant woman has had a miscarriage? You're going to have to create some sort of pregnancy registry to keep track of all those fetuses, Utah. Perhaps you could start issuing 'conception certificates' to women who get pregnant? And then, if there isn't a baby within nine months of the issuance of a conception certificate, the woman could be hauled in for questioning and she could be indicted for criminal homicide if it's determined that she intentionally or accidentally induced a miscarriage.

Of course, Utah probably isn't going to create such a registry, but its new legislation is striking for the way it targets women themselves, as opposed to abortion providers. Lynn Paltrow, executive director of National Advocates for Pregnant Women, says, 'For all these years the anti-choice movement has said ‘we want to outlaw abortion, not put women in jail, but what this law says is ‘no, we really want to put women in jail.'' And Jill of Feministe asks why, if anti-choice advocates are so concerned about miscarried fetuses, they aren't 'trying to find a cure for the close to 50 percent of fertilized eggs that naturally don't implant, and are flushed out of the woman's body.' Her answer: 'the concern here isn't really about fetuses or life or any of that. It's about punishing women.'

Utah Bill Would Criminalize Miscarriage [Feministe]

Utah Bill Criminalizes Miscarriage [RH Reality Check]

Measure On Illegal Abortions Heads To Governor [Salt Lake Tribune]

When Miscarriages Are a Crime... [Slog]

He's Just Not That Into You

2010-01-25T16:45:00.002-07:00

Just finished watching this movie for the first time. Really enjoyed it, right until the end, and then it sucked, sort of. I mean, I know that there are happy stories in the world (I have one) but I wanted it to be just a little more truthful.

First: Ginnifer Goodwin - LOVE HER!! And I love her character. I don't think I can relate to her character because that was NOT me. I was a little bit more aggressive (HA, a little bit...). Anyway, I applaud her for telling off that guy when he was being heartless, even though she is kind of crazy. I think I agree with her, I would rather be crazy than heartless.

Scarlett Johansson - Is it just me or does she have a HUGE butt in this movie? I was thinking "DAMN" girl. She looked like a REAL girl, with big boobies and a badonkadonk. So then, I think, was I this girl? Maybe not in the most recent past, but "back in the day". Maybe.

Jennifer Aniston - Never really been a huge fan of her in general. And I thought her story was cute. Wish that they wouldn't have gotten married at the end SPOILER.... oh I guess that was supposed to go at the beginning. Anyway, I've always thought that maybe I rushed into marriage to fast (although I don't regret it at all). But I also don't know if I could have waited any longer.... (hahaha)

Jennifer Connelly - Good for her! I think she should have left sooner. But I've never been in the situation, so I guess I can't really say what I would have done or would like to do.

Drew Barrymore - LOVE her! She's great. I'm glad she knew something good when she saw it.

So, I guess there is a piece me in each of the characters. I guess that's the point right?

Not surprised....

2010-01-21T22:18:00.002-07:00

http://prop8trialtracker.com/2010/01/20/an-explosive-afternoon/

Reading some of this definitely gave me a headache. Mostly the comments that followed. After reading through several of them I came to this conclusion:

It is NOT my place to tell someone how to live their lives or to place my own beliefs onto someone else. Regardless of history or nature or whatever, marriage is just a word. It is what behind it that counts. People are "married" for several years or minutes and yet, it means nothing.
So let whomever get married. It is not going to effect my relationship with my husband in any way, and if anything it will make the world a better place because there will be less unhappy people (or maybe they will just find something new to bitch about).

So for those of you that read this blog, I challenge you to think about what it would be like if you were on the other side of the debate.
Not being able to do something because of your race, gender, skin color, or sexual preference is not right; no matter what religion you come from.

2009-12-07T17:36:00.002-07:00

So, a few years ago my great-grandmother died of natural causes. She had this one opal ring that I was REALLY hoping for when she died, but someone else got it. I'm hoping I'm next on the list to get it, but that won't be for awhile. Also, I've always wanted a family heirloom that I can pass down to my children, so, I'm thinking my husband might buy me something for our 5 year anniversary, or something like that..... So, here is what I have picked out.....

What do you want or hope for as a family heirloom in your family?

Don't worry, I checked, these are real (well, some of them)

2009-10-01T19:17:00.002-06:00

DOCTORS' SLANG, MEDICAL SLANG AND MEDICAL ACRONYMS
AND VETERINARY ACRONYMS & VET SLANG

These have been mostly collected from the UK and USA, with a few non-English contributions (many thanks to all contributors from around the globe). Some of the acronyms are region-specific and have differing meanings in US and UK. It is noticeable that the US has numerous acronyms and slang terms relating to gun-related incidents and injuries. The slang/acronyms are directed variously at patients, other medical staff or mystifying medical conditions. I haven't included the slang terms for all of the various medical equipment. The veterinary appendix - due to popular demand - is at the foot of the page.

3H enema - Enema that is "high, hot, and a hell of a lot." Reputedly given to patients who give staff a hard time.
3P’s - Pill, Permissiveness and Promiscuity (relates to female patients with sexually transmitted disease)
4F - Fair, fat, female and forty OR fat, forty-ish, flatulent female (both mean abdominal pain patient who is candidate for gall bladder disease)
4H - (US) Haemophiliac, Hispanic, Homosexual, Heroin addict
404 moment – On card rounds - when a patient’s medical records cannot be located (from internet error message: 404 Page Not Found)
5-H-1-T - polite medical term for shit
10th Floor Transfer - dying (floor number is always the next number on from the highest floor in the hospital).
45C - patient is one chromosome short of a full set (thick)

AAA (or Triple A): Ay Ay Ay. Precursor to Status Hispanicus. Wound-up Hispanic female unable to tolerate even the small discomfort of removing an adhesive plaster, but not yet full-blown histrionics.
AALFD - Another A**hole Looking For Drugs
Acades vulgaris - medical students.
Acronymophilia - excessive reliance on TLAs /TLMs & XTLMs (extended 3 letter acronyms)
Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) 185 grain Injection - 9mm gunshot wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) 240 grain Injection 44 calibre magnum wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) Air-conditioned - Multiple gun shot wounds
Acute Hyponicotaemia - desperate for nicotine fix (cigarette)
Acute Pneumoencephalopathy - airhead
Adminisphere - where hospital managers work, reckoned to be "another planet"
Administrivia - pointless emails and notices that clog up real medical work
ADR - Ain’t Doing Right
AFU & BR - all f***ed up & beyond repair
AGA - Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
Aggressive Euthanasia - A procedure that obnoxious patients would benefit from.
ALFI(e) - (Australia) Adelaide's Largest F*cking Idiot
AGMI - Ain't Gonna Make It (won't survive)
Agnostication - Substitute for prognostication; describes the usually vain attempt to answer the question: "How long have I got, doctor?”
AHF - Acute Hissy Fit
Airwolf - air-ambulance (after a popular US TV series)
Albatross - chronically ill patient who will remain with a doctor until one or other of them expire
ALC - a la casa (send the patient home)
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
Amphoterrible - Amphotericin B, an antifungal medication with toxic side-effects
Amyoyo syndrome - Alright motherf*****, you're on your own (seen in head injury patients in Intensive Care); there will be no miracle recovery
Angel lust - a male corpse with an erection (not uncommon). Is also sometimes used to mean death that occurred during intercourse.
AOB - Alcohol On Board
APD - Acute Prozac Deficiency (depression)
Appy - person with suspected appendicitis
APRS - (US) Acute Puerto Rican syndrome (bouts of screaming and yelling)
APTFRAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
AQP - Assuming the Q Position: deteriorating or dying with tongue hanging out
AQR - Ain't Quite Right
Arsenic in antifreeze - Melarsoprol (IV sleeping sickness drug) is exactly this!
ART - Assuming/Approaching Room Temperature (dead)
Ash Cash - money for signing a cremation form
Ash Point - where you collect the Ash Cash
Ass Grapes - badly thrombosed or strangulated haemorrhoids
Assmosis - promotion by "kissing ass"
AST - Assuming Seasonal Temperature (dead)
ATD - (US) Acute Tylenol Deficiency (simple fever or head cold)
ATFO - Asked To F*** Off
ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness; known in US as MGM syndrome
Aunt Minnie Lesion - once seen, never forgotten, much like certain aunts at the family wedding
AWTB/AWTF - Away With The Birds/Away With The Fairies; a patient who is totally confused
Ax(e) - surgeon

B-52 - combined 5mg of Haldol IV + 2mg of Ativan IV
Baby catcher - obstetrician
Babygram -x-raying (radiographing) a newborn
Bagged and Tagged (B&T) - Body ready for dispatch to morgue
Bagrinhos - (Brazil) interns ("bullheads" - type of fish that gets in the way of real fishing)
Banana - patient with jaundice
Bash Cash: the money paid for completing accident (insurance) claim forms in A&E
BBCS - Bumps, Bruises, Cuts and Scrapes (i.e. no serious injuries)
BBL Sign (Belly-button Lint Sign) - male, middle-aged, overweight and hairy (an umbilicus that looks like the lint [fluff] trap in a tumble dryer is most common in overweight, hairy, older men). Known as Belly-button Fluff in Britain.
Beached whale - obese patient unable to do much for him/herself except lie there with flailing arms and legs
Benny - patient on benefit (welfare payments)
Betty - a patient with diabetes
BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
BFH - Big F****ing Head; hydrocephalus as in a "FLK with a BFH" (can be metaphorical for arrogant consultant)
BIT - burp in transit (gas seen in the stomach on an abdominal film)
Black cloud - a doctor who attracts difficult or prolonged cases or an unusually high number of code blues calls
Blade - Surgeon: dashing, bold, arrogant and often wrong, but never in doubt
Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight
Blinky the Fish - radiologist (The 3-eyed, mutant goldfish from The Simpsons is the mascot of many radiology depts).
Blood-Brain Barrier - surgical drapes
Blood Suckers - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
Blown Mind - gunshot wound to the head.
Blue Blower - patient with severe lung disease
Blue Pipe - vein (as opposed to 'red pipe' or artery)
BMT - Bowel-Movement Taco (faecal matter trapped in female genitalia)
BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine
Bobbing for apples - unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger
BOHICA - Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
Bone Break Need Fix - derogatory term for Orthopaedics
Boneheads - orthopaedics
Bones and Groans - non-specialist general hospital
BoneHo - an off-service resident working in Orthopedics
Boogie or Goober - tumour. A Roasted Goober is a tumour after intensive cobalt treatment; a Healthy Goober is a dead tumour patient.
Bordeaux - bloodstained urine
Bottle return - removing a bottle lodged in the anal canal
Bounce - returning a turfed patient back to original dept (see also turf and buff)
Bounceback - a (usually turfed) patient who keeps returning to the hospital with same condition
Box - to die
Brain Fry - Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) for depression
Bronze John's Law - (paediatrics) if the weight of the records exceeds the weight of the child, the prognosis is grim
Brothelizer test - microbiology test (on swab or sample) requested by the Genito-Urinary Clinic or STD clinic to check for sexually transmitted diseases. A positive test result means the patient has "failed the brothelizer test".
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
Brown trout - a stool that won't float (as opposed to an air biscuit, which does)
BSS - Bilateral Samsonite Syndrome: patient admitted with both their bags packed in preparation
BTSOOM - Beats The Sh*t Out Of Me
Buff - re-hash the patient's story to make it sound more appropriate for the patient to be referred to another dept (see also turfing and bouncing)
Buff Up - to ready a patient for release
Bug Juice - antibiotics
Bugs in the rug - pubic lice
Bull in the ring - blockage in the large intestine
Bumps and Lumps - junior doctor (intern) cases
BUNDY - But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bungee jumper - a patient who pulls on his catheter tube
Bunnies - Sanitary Towels (sanitary napkins)
Bunny Boiler - (Psych) dangerously obsessive or unbalance woman (based on film "Fatal Attraction")
Burger - sunburned patient with ruptured blisters
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
Butchers - Obstetrics & Gynaecology (also general derogatory term for surgeons)
BVA - Breathing Valuable Air
BWCO - Baby Won't Come Out (needs Caesarian)

C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
C2 - a "can't c**t"; lazy physician who passes off work to colleagues and often whine
C&T Ward - Coma ward - "cabbages and turnips"
Cabbage - heart bypass i.e. CABG (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft)
Cabbage and tomato ward - Ward for comatose patients
Calcified Penisitis Morbidium - male patient whose ailment is due to excessive or unprotected sex
Callbellectomy - minor operation, sadly not permitted, to remove over-used call bell from patient's hand/reach!
Call Button Jockey/Buzzer Junkie - patient that uses call button all night long for no good reason.
Calling Doctor Blue [to location] - public address system code for "baffling case needing more doctors to take a look in the hope that one of them will know what to do"
Captain Kangaroo - chairman of a paediatrics department.
Category 6 Patient - Triage is Cat 1 (major) to Cat 5 (minor) so Cat 6 means a timewaster
Cath Jockey - cardiologist that catheterizes every patient they see (or one that does cardiac catherizations)
CATS- Cut all to sh*t
Caveman - Derogatory term for Orthopaedic surgeons “so easy a caveman could do it”. Derived from an advert
CBT - Chronic Burger/Biscuit Toxicity (obesity)
cc - Complaint Corner, a patient that complains about everything; BCC is one that behaves nicely to medical staff and complains behind their backs (from business acronyms for carbon copy and blind carbon copy)
CCFCCP - Coo-coo for Co-Co Puffs (dementia or similar)
Ceiling Sign - near-levitation from the bed to the ceiling induced by examining for abdominal tenderness
Celestial discharge - died
Celestial transfer - died (transferred to the Eternal Care Unit)
Cephosplat - Domestos Antibiotic; Kills all known germs
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity i.e. obesity
CFU - Complete(ly) F*ck(ed) Up
Champagne tap - bloodless lumbar tap
Chandelier's Sign - The result of any test or probing after which the patient must be removed from the chandelier
CHAOS - Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome (PTSD/Fibromyalgia, etc.)
Chart Biopsy - check chart for other depts' plans on the patient
Chart Dehiscence - drop patient chart and everything falls out.
Chartomegaly - patient is so frequent s/he has a large (and growing) chart
Cheerioma - a patient with a highly aggressive, malignant tumour
CHIBLOC - Closed Head Injury, Brief Loss of Consciousness
Chocolate Hostage - constipated
Choly / Chole - patient with cholecystitis (inflammation of the gallbladder) or cholecystectomy patient.
Chrome Induced Ischaemia - patient that develops inexplicable chest pains when arrested and handcuffed
Chronic Slapping Deficiency - annoying/unruly family members hitting nurse's call button every 5 minutes with minor requests/inane questions or for fun
CIBS - Cast Iron Bum/Butt Syndrome: when the needle goes into the buttocks straight, but comes out curved
CKS - cute kid syndrome
Clip and Strip - remove staples and adhesive sutures
CLL - chronic Low Life
CLOMI - Cat Like Observation and Masterful Inactivity (patient under observation)
Clupea fallacius rufus - red herring
Cock Doc- urologist
Cockroach Factor - a patient's ability to survive trauma or serious treatment is inversely proportional to his contribution to society (see TTI).
Code 0 - (Ambulance) Time-waster/tax-waster (genuine codes are Code 1 [non-serious] to Code 4 [emergency])
Code Azure - message to other medics to do nothing extraordinary to save a very ill patient who will die shortly no matter what is done
Code Brown - faecal incontinence emergency (e.g. of bedlinen)
Code Pink (Triangle) - a likely homosexual (used back when HIV/Aids tests took a while to come back)
Code Pink (Paediatric) - baby taken without permission from maternity/nursery by family or staff
Code Surfer - medic straddling the patient on trolly (gurney) performing chest compressions while patient is being transported
Code Yellow - urinary incontinence emergency
Coffee and a Newspaper - Patient is Constipated (i.e. long time sitting on toilet with drink and reading matter)
Coffin Dodger - survived against expectations, or a very old person
Cold-tea Sign/Cold Tea Syndrome - refers to the several cups of cold tea on the bedside cabinet beside a dead geriatric (i.e. no-one noticed the patient had died)
COPD - Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)
COSMONAUT - Cat Owner, Smells, Made Of Nuts And Used Tampons ("mad cat lady" with poor hygiene and body odour)
Crackerjack referral - (UK) It's Friday, it's five to five, it's... (Crackerjack was a popular TV show) i.e. Friday afternoon job
CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
Cranial rectosis - US: butthead (US term for idiot); UK: head-up-ass (arrogant/arrogant fool)
Cranio-faecal Syndrome - s**thead or s**t for brains
CRAP Score - Cynical Real Alternative Pain Score - an alternative method of scoring pain (see foot of page)
Creepers - geriatrics using walkers and wheelchairs
CRI - Cranial-Rectal Insertion or Cranial-Rectal Inversion (head-up-ass syndrome)
Crinkly - geriatric
Crispy critter - severe burns case
CROACC - Cannot Rule Out Anything, Correlate Clinically
Crock - Hypochondriac.
Crook-U - Prison Ward in a hospital (slang to match ICU - Intensive Care Unit etc)
Crop Rotation - Ambulance shuttle service from nursing home to surgery and back again
CRS - Can’t Remember Sh*t
CRT - Can't Really Treat
Crumble (crumbly) - elderly patient
Crump - (UK) RTA [Road Traffic Accident], (US) crash; trying to die
Crump, Gork or Vedgy - Intensive care patient incapable of movement and apparently unaware of his surroundings.
CTD - Circling the Drain (Close To Death)
CTF - Cletus the Fetus (US). A 23 week, or earlier, births that parents expect to survive against all odds
CTS - Crazier than sh*t
Cuckoo - alternative term for CCU
C*nts and Runts - Maternity and Paediatrics
Cut and Paste - To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and immediately sew him up (or almost immediately - sometimes young surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while).
CYA - Cover Your Ass; unnecessary procedure/prescription done to avoid being sued

D&D - Divorced and Desperate (middle aged female who visits doctor weekly just for male attention)
D&D - Death and Donuts (night shift)
Dagenham - (psychiatry) or "Three Stops Beyond Barking": severely disturbed/mad (based on British train station names)
DACB - (US) Drunk As Cooter Brown (UK equivalent is PAAF/PIAF)
Dance (or Gown Dance) - the process of tying a surgical gown behind the surgeon's back (requires a 180-degree spin by the surgeon: Shall we dance?)
Dandruff on wheels - scabies or other transmissible flaky skin condition
DBI - Dirt Bag Index: number of tattoos x number of missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed
Death Camp - terminal nursing home
Death Star - that ward in every hospital where patients go to die
De-coke and Re-bore - Dilatation and curettage (gynae) op
Deep fry - cobalt therapy (radiation therapy)
Dement - Alzheimer patient
DENTIST - Doesn't Even Need Treatment - It's Sorted, Truly
Departure lounge - geriatric ward
Dermaholiday - nickname for dermatology dept used by staff in busier depts
DFO - (1) (US) Done Fell Out (anything from fainting to cardiac arrest)
DFO - (2) Drunk and Fell Over
DFO-SFJ - Done Fell Out - Screaming For Jesus
DIFFC - Dropped In For Friendly Chat (i.e. no medical problem)
Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery
DIIK - Darned if I know
DILF - Doctor I'd Like to F*** (Fornicate with): Nursing slang for good-looking doctor
DILLIGAF - Do I Look Like I Give A F*ck
Dirtball - patient who enters the emergency room filthy and smelling badly
Discharged downstairs - transferred to the morgue
Disco Biscuit – Quaaludes (1980s), Estasy (2000s)
Dishwasher - sterilization machine
DKA - Don't/Doesn't Know Anything (but is explained to relatives as Diabetic Ketoacidosis if challenged)
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Doc In A Box - a small clinic/health centre, with ever-changing staff.
Doing the Twirly - circling the drain (about to die)
Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs! (hence reckless motorcyclists are known as Organ Donors and rainy days are Donation Days)
Donut of Death - CT scanner
Doorknob Rounds - the entire presentation takes place in 5 seconds while the consultant's hand never leaves the doorknob to the entrance of the patient's room (US hospitals have small single occupancy rooms)
Dose of I Don't Care - pain-killing meds that make patient light-headed
Dose of I Don't Remember - pain-killing meds that leave patient without memory of painful procedure
Dose Sponge - Radiology Worker
DOTS- dead on the spot (of an accident), also FDOTS (F*cking Dead On The Spot)
Double bind trial - Two orthopods looking at an electrocardiogram
Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
Double Whopper with Mayo - obese female with vaginal discharge
Double Whopper with Ketchup - obese female with blood-stained vaginal discharge (often post-natal)
Doughnut - CT scanner
DPP - (Brazil) leave patient for the next shift to deal with ("Deixa para o Próximo Plantão")
DPS - Dumb Parent Syndrome
DPS - (General Practice) Droopy Penis Syndrome: a patient wanting Viagra prescription
DPS - (Hospital) Disappearing Penis Syndrome: the usual reaction of the male organ in response to insertion of catheter or endoscope
DQ - Drama Queen
Dr Feelgood - a doctor who is indiscriminate about prescribing drugs
Drinkectomy - separating a drunk from his can of lager (performed in A&E dept)
Drooler - catatonic patient.
Drop a Lung - when medical treatment causes a pneumothorax
DRT - Dead Right There (patient dead at scene of accident)
DRTTTT - Dead Right There, There, There and There (patient dead and in multiple parts at scene of accident)
DSB - Drug-Seeking Behaviour (faking illness to fuel narcotic addiction)
DSP - Dumb Sh*t Profile
DTMA - Don't Transfer to Me Again.
DTS - Danger To Shipping (in a particularly large patient's records)
DWPA - Death/Dying With Paramedic Assistance
DUB - Damn Ugly Baby
Duck - portable urinal for bedridden male hospital patients
Dude Factor - Survival scoring factor based on social worth. A high dude factor = an individual of questionable social worth who survives near-fatal injuries. A low dude factor = professional person who slips in the bathroom sustaining a fatal injury
Dump - patient that nobody seems to want (or to transfer a patient to another hospital); also a verb - arranging for patient to be off-loaded elsewhere
Dunlap Syndrome - belly done lapped over the waistband; obese (spare tyre, Dunlop being a brand of tyre)
DWPA - Death/Dying With Paramedic Assistance
Dys-Synaptogenic - stupid

Eating In - Intravenous feeding
Eating the Bill - (USA) providing care for indigent patients lacking insurance i.e. "We ate the bill on that guy."
ECU - Eternal Care Unit: heaven ("gone to the ECU = dead)
EDDU – eating drinking defecating urinating (but not much else)
EDGATWTTTF - Elevator Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top Floor (thick)
Eiffel Syndrome - (From I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object in the rectum
ELFs - Evil Little F*ckers (irritating children)
Embromed - (Brazil) imaginary health plan: postponement of solution through hoax.
Ego Boost Units - med students/junior doctors that follow a doctor
EMS - Earn Money Sleeping (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Service)
EMT - Extraordinary Masochistic Tendencies (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Technicians)
Engessar - (Brazil) to orient treatment so that the patient can't complain (literally "to place in a cast").
ERCP - Emergency Retrograde Clerking of Patient, an emergency procedure before the consultant rounds
ERNOBW - Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel (thick)
ESBAM - Eat s**t and Bark At the Moon (or "not ruddy likely" in British English)
Estropício - (Brazil) poor, unkempt obstetric patient ("jeopardy").
Eternal Care - Intensive Care (for a patient who won't come out again)
ETOH - Extremely Trashed or Hammered (2 derivations given: corruption of "Etho" [ethanol addict] or from "EtOH" [chemistry abbreviation for ethanol])
Expensive care - intensive care
Expensive Scare - intensive care

FABIANS - Felt Awful But I'm Allright Now Syndrome
FAC - F*cking Awkward Client
Faecal Encephalopathy - Sh*t for brains
Fallaciopisces rufus - red herring
Family Care Plan - One child gets the sniffles, whole family gets a trip to A&E
Fanger - oral surgeon
Fascinectomy - long, but fascinating procedure
Fascinoma - Interesting pathology, but not as interesting as the ensuing politics over who gets first authorship when the case is written up
Father Jack - (the drunken old priest in Father Ted), confused and elderly patient who constantly shouts and tries to get out of bed
FCBP - Fellow of the College of Bystander Physicians i.e. doctor having a look-see
FD - F*cking drunk
FDGM - Fall Down, Go Boom (see LOLFDGB)
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
Feather Count - measure of flakiness (e.g. high feather count)
Feed and Seed - care for vegetative patients in "the garden"
Feet-up General - a quiet district hospital
FFDID - Found Face Down In Ditch
FFDIG - Found Face Down In Gutter
FFF - see 4F (Fat, Fair, Female, Forty = gall bladder disease)
FHHS - (US) Female Hispanic Hysterical Syndrome (screaming and crying)
FIDO - F*ck It, Drive On (a waste of time/hoax ambulance all)
Fighting Darwin - patients refusing essential treatment through stubborness or stupidity
File 13 - The Trashcan
FINE - F*cked up , insecure, neurotic & emotional
Finger Wave - rectal exam
Fireballs of the Uticas - fibroids of the uterus
FIRT - Failed impact resistance test (crash victim)
Fish Filet - vaginal infection with discharge and odour
Fish Filet with Catsup/Ketchup - vaginal infection with discharge, odour and bleeding (e.g. post-natal)
FIT - fart in transit (gas seen in the intestines on an abdominal film)
FITH - F***ed in the head
Fluttering Eye Syndrome - Patient faking unconsciousness
FLBs - those "Funky Looking Beats" found on an EKG that no one can figure out
FLB - Funny Little Bumps (unexplained skin bumps)
Flea - (US) internists, (UK) ethnic nurses (used in 1970s during an influx of imported healthcare staff) i.e. "they get everywhere"
FLK - Funny Looking Kid (sometimes suggests rural inbreeding)
FLK w/ GLM - Funny Looking Kid with a Good Looking Mother
FLKBCOTP - Funny Looking Kid But Check Out The Parents
FLKOFS - Funny Looking Kid, Okay For Sunderland (one of many regional variants of NFN [Normal For Norfolk])
Floating - how ghosts (i.e. med students) get from "here" to "there."
Flower Sign - flowers at a bedside, denotes patient has a supportive family and might be candidate for early discharge
FLP - Funny Looking Parents (hereditary cause suspected for FLK)
FLUF - Funny Little Ugly F*cker
Fluttering Eye Syndrome - Patient faking unconsciousness
FMPS - Fluff My Pillow Syndrome (attention/sympathy seeker), like Call Button Jockey
FOALS NEIGH - F*ck Off And Let Someone Not Extremely Incompetent Get Here
FOB - Found on Bench
FODE - Falling On Deaf Ears
FOL, GOL, FOS - Fat Old Lady, Gone off Legs, Full Of S**t. Confused elderly female, unable to exercise at home, now unable to move unaided and badly constipated as a result (see also Toxic Confusional State).
Fonzie - Unflappable medic (Fonzie was the unltra-cool character in TV series Happy Days)
FOOBA - Found On Ortho Barely Alive (a play on FUBAR - F***ed Up Beyond All Recognition)
FOOSH - Fall Onto Outstretched Hand (as cause of broken wrist/arm)
FOOT - Flat Out On Tarmac (e.g. biker gone down in full flight)
FORD - Found On Road Dead
Foreverectomy - A surgical procedure that lasts a very long time
FOS - Full Of Sh*t (either severely constipated or metaphorically)
FOS - Found On Street: unidentified dead homeless person
FPO - For practice only (FTD)
FPT - (Brazil) beyond help, do not resuscitate ("Fora de Possibilidade Terapêutica").
Frequent Flyer - Someone who is transported to and from hospital on a routine basis (also someone who spends more time at the local hospital then most employees and is known by all staff members including Environmental Services)
Freud Squad - psychiatrists
Friday construction - Anatomical equivalent of the cars made on Fridays, when the workers mind was more on the weekend than the job in hand
Fruit Salad - group of stroke patients, all unable to take care of themselves
FTD - Fixing To Die
FTF - Failed to Fly (botched suicide)
FUBAR - Fucked up beyond all repair/recognition
FUBIL - F**k You Buddy, I'm Leaving. The act of a doctor at a small hospital dumping a critically ill patient on larger hospital on Friday afternoon before he leaves for the weekend
Full Moon - full or overcrowded waiting room/A&E/ER
FUPA - Fat Upper Pussy Area
FURB - Funny, Unusual, Rectal Blockage (people who use inappropriate objects as butt-plugs)

Galloping amputations - gangrene spreading up a limb so more and more has to be removed in consecutive surgeries
Garden - neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.
Gardening - attending to patients in neurological intensive care.
Gassers OR Gas Passers - anaesthetists
Gatekeeper - General practice doctor whose role is to keep costs low by only allowing a certain number of patients to go to specialists
GDA - Gonna die anyway
Genital hurties - genital herpes
Geosphere - Dirt Ball (Geo = dirt + sphere = ball)
Gerifix - that collection of broad spectrum antibiotics, diuretics and bronchodilators prescribed to elderly patients admitted to hospitals in wintertime
Ghost - Derogatory term for med students; they are largely invisible, are absent during difficult situations, silent when asked for volunteers and stealthily evade hard work
GI Rounds - a meal (GI = gastrointestinal)
GLF - Ground Level Fall (tripped over)
GLM - Good Looking Mum
GOA - Gone On Arrival (police turn up, ambulance turns up, fire brigade turns up, patient doesn't)
Goat Rodeo/Goat Rope - Emergency scene which goes badly (resembles a bunch of people riding or wrestling goats)
God's Waiting Room - intensive care unit and/or geriatric unit
GOK - God Only Knows
Goldbrick - patient who demands more attention than their (minor) condition warrants.
Golden ass - affluent mother who treats the obstetrics nurses like servants
Golden Child - jaundiced youngster
GOLP - Generalised Old Lady Pains
GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room; extended to mean elderly patient who is unable to communicate their symptoms and passed from one department to another
Gomergram - Ordering all available tests because the person is unable to explain what is wrong with them
Gone Camping - patient in oxygen tent
Goober - nutter
Gorillacillin - very powerful antibiotic
GORK - God Only Really Knows
Gork - comatose or brain dead
Gorked - unresponsive and nonverbal, either due to sedation or medical condition
Gorked Out - mental impairment through disease or substance abuse
Go to Ground - fall out of bed or chair
Go to Meet Joe Black/Consult Joe Black - die
Gown's Sign, positive - a patient who leaves (self-discharge ) without official discharge orders
GPH - Goddamns Per Hour
GPO - Good for Parts Only (won't survive)
GRAFOB - Grim Reaper At Foot Of Bed
GRAHOB - Grim Reaper At Head Of Bed
Granny Dumping - dumping elderly relative in A&E; often happens just before Christmas or family holiday aka the hospital granny-sitting service
Granny Farm - old persons' residential home, run by a Granny Farmer
Grape Sign - grapes at a bedside, denotes patient has a supportive family and might be candidate for early discharge
Grapes - haemorrhoids
Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning - jumped/fell from height
Gridiron Belly - scarred from multiple ops
GROLIES - (UK) Guardian Reader Of Low Intellect In Ethnic Skirt
GTMJACB - Gone To Meet Jesus, Ain't Coming Back (dead)
GTO - Gomer tip over (elderly person with injury from trip or fall)
GTTL - Gone to the light (died)
GUCCI - Genito-Urinary Clinc, Chlamydial Infection (posh female with sexually transmitted chlamydial infection)
Guessing tubes - stethoscope
Gun and Rifle Club - Trauma ward full of gunshot and stabbing victims
Gutectomy - major gastro-intestinal surgery; also abdominal fat removal (such as liposuction)
Guts and Butts - general surgery

HAIRY PSALMS - Haven't Any Idea Regarding Your Patient, Send A Lot More Serum
Hallucinoma - a mass seen on a scan or x-ray that wasn't really there
HALS - Hit And Left Standing (apparently uninjured but in shock after RTA/MVA)
Hamburger (Helper) - Train or juggernaut vs pedestrian
Hammer - local anesthetic
Hammered - to get numerous admissions while on call
Handbag positive - confused patient (usually elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag
Happy feet - (US) patient having a grand mal epileptic seizure (in UK, Happy feet means smelly feet (feet which "hum" [stink])
Happy Little Campers - children in oxygen tents
Hasselhoff – emergency patient with bizarre explanation for their injury (David Hasselhoff's had a bizarre shaving accident in which he hit his head on a chandelier; the broken glass severed 4 tendons and an artery in his right arm)
Hat Trick - trauma patient with 3 tubes into him
HBD - Has Been Drinking or He Be Dead
Head - a brain-injury patient. Usage - "I’ve got a head I’ve got to deal with."
Head Bonk - an otherwise uninjured patient who was struck on the head and presented at A&E just to be sure
Head whack - head injury
Healthy Goober - dead tumour patient.
Hearts and Farts - unit specialising in geriatrics and cardiology
Heel Elevation Ataxia - a woman who appears staggering drunk, but is sober (or slightly tipsy) and can't walk on seriously high stiletto heels
Hepatology Conference - doctors meeting at a pub or bar (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hey Docs (or Haydock) - alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards who chorus "Hey, Doc! when they see a white coat" (sometimes disguised as "Haydock" which is a UK placename)
Hepatology Conference - doctors meeting at a pub or bar (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being Roman for 5)
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
High Serum Porcelain Level - Patient is a crock of sh*t
High Slug Titre - lazy patient (slug) that won't get out of bed
High Speed Lead Injection - gunshot
Hippo - Hypochondriac or depressive
Hit and Run - the act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement (often a non-medical appointment).
HIVI - Husband Is Village Idiot
HMF - Hysterical Mother Figure
HMO - From phrase, "Hey, Moe!", a concept pioneered by Dr Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough elsewhere. Modern "pokes" with same outcome include estimates for private treatment.
HOPEFUL - Hard-up Old Person Expecting Full Useful Life (i.e. OAPs are not priority for most hospitals)
Hole-in-One - A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.
Hollywood code - see Slow Code
HOP - house of pain (nursing home)
Hope'n'Scope - exploratory laparoscopy where you hope to find no disease (unless you're the student, in which case you hope to see something interesting)
Horrendoectomy - a long and painful procedures
Horrendoma- an awful unknown disease
Horrendoplasty - A god-awful surgery with a probable poor outcome e.g. difficult operation for 12 hours on a patient with a BMI of 45
Hospital Hobo Syndrome - person who visits multiple hospitals seeking attention or accommodation
Hospitalismo - (Brazil) Revolving-door patient (in-and-out-and-in ....).
Hospital pilantrópico (Brazilo) - (sarcasm) dubiously charitable hospital where profits outweigh philanthropy.
House red - blood
HTD - Higher Than a Duck
HTK - Higher Than a Kite
HTT(A) - Hot Tots and Twats (Area): Paediatrics & Ob/Gyn wing of hospital
Humpty-dumpty doctor - a physiotherapist or rehabilitation doctor (from the nursery rhyme verse "all the king's horses and all the king's men could not put humpty together again")
HVLT - High Velocity Lead Poisoning: gunshot wound
Hypoxanaxemia - patient with anxiety symptoms (Xanax deficiency)

Icing on the Cake - lethal tumor discovered in the X-rays of a heart attack victim.
I fell on it - (also Eiffel Syndrome) universal explanation given by a patient with a foreign object in the rectum
Imaginascope - what you use during radiology rounds to see the lesion the clinician is showing you but you don't see
Improving His Claim - Victim of minor accident, needs no treatment but wants something to support his insurance/legal claim.
Inbreds - doctors whose parents are also doctors
Incarcaphobia - patient is hypochondriac prisoner who prefers hospital to jail cell
Incarceritis - becoming dubiously ill when arrested or in court
Incidentaloma - a usually benign mass (needing removal) found on a scan while looking for something else entirely
Infernal Medicine - Internal Medicine department
Insurance Pain - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Insurance Whiplash - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Interesting Case - A patient transferred from a non-specialist hospital who is an unmitigated disaster with no accompanying chart or documentation
International House of Pancakes - neurology ward full of patients (usually stroke victims) all babbling in a different language.
Intubate Junior/Intubate Willy - catheterise a man (often results in DPS - Disappearing Penis Syndrome)
ISQ - In Status Quo ("no change"): often used during the weekend surgical round
ITBNTL - In The Box, Nail The Lid (dead or dying)
IWB - Intercourse With Biscuits (F**king Crackers)

Jack Bauer - a doctor still up and working after 24 hours (after character in "24")
JAFFA - Just Another Fat, F***ing Administrator
Jailitis - becoming dubiously ill while in custody or in a jail cell
Janitor's fracture - a fracture so obvious that a janitor (cleaner) could diagnose it
JAR or JAR Syndrome – Just Ain’t Right (often used when a patient has multiple issues)
JDFR - Just Doesn't Feel Right - most common complaint of LOL's (Little Old Ladies) and SOG's (Sick Old Guys)
JDLR - Just Doesn't Look Right (something is wrong, but no diagnosis has been made yet)
JIC - Jesus is calling
JLD - Just Like Dad (often used to explain an FLK)
JNR- Just Not Right (something is wrong, but no diagnosis has been made yet)
John Thomas sign (UK), Johnson's Sign (US) - according to tradition, the side that the penis (John Thomas, Johnson) points to (if visible on x-ray) will have an abnormality (see also Throckmorton sign).
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine - favourite, but unwritten, source of medical wisdom
J P FROG - Just Plain F***ing Ran Out Of Gas (old age etc)
JPS - Just Plain Stupid (self induced injury involving lack of common sense)

Kaiser Soze - Registrar with an uncanny ability to disappear (not answer phone or pager) when there is work to be done (from movie 'The Usual Suspects')
KFO - Knock the F*cker Out (patient either obnoxious or screaming in pain)
Kidney Stone Squirm - a spot diagnosis in A&E
Killing Fields - that ward in every hospital where patients go to die
Knife-happy - an overly enthusiastic surgeon
Knife and Gun Club - (US) local street gangs or criminal organizations that keep ER in business OR the emergency departments that care for patients with the results of street gang violence
Knuckledragger - Orthopedic Doctor/Surgeon
KOKO - Keep on Keeping on.

Lancelot - a medic who drains abscesses (called Pokemon in the USA)
Lantern Test - shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up (no brain)
Larry - Locum, as in "doing a Larry"
Last Flea To Jump Off A Dead Dog - Oncologists (sometimes other disciplines) who seem unable to let people die with diginity
Laying Crepe - dismal prognosis (i.e. prepare the coffin)
LDF - Lying Down Fit
Leave 'Em Dead - Levofed (aka norepinephrine) , the drug given to cardiac patients to prop up their blood pressure until they die in the ambulance
Leeches - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
Lerner/Bernstein Fracture - the injury suffered by a patient who is intent on suing someone over his trip or fall (Lerner/Bernstein are ambulance-chasing lawyers in one region).
LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)
LGFD - looks good from door (but not closely examined, possibly an obnoxious patient)
LGFTC - looks good from the corridor (but not closely examined)
Lignocephalic - wooden-headed (i.e. dense [thick] or stubborn)
Lipstick Sign - if a female patient is well enough to put on, she is well enough to be discharged
Liver rounds - staff party, so called because of liver-damaging alcohol
LLS - Looks Like Sh*t
LMC - Low marble count (low IQ)
Load the Boat - call in senior medical staff as ass-covering exercise
LOBNH - Lights On But Nobody Home
Lobster - sunburned patient
LOFD - Looks Okay From Door
LOL - Little Old Lady
LOLFDGB - Little Old Lady, Fall Down, Go Boom
LOLINAD - Little Old Lady In No Acute Distress
LOLITS - US: Little Old Lady In Tennis Shoes (60+ year old); UK: Little Old Lady In Twin-Set (50-60 yera old)
Loop-the-loop - flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.
Loose Change - dangling limb in need of amputation.
LPT - Low pain threshold
LRO - Luck Ran Out (cheated death before, but not this time)
LWS - (US) Low Wallet Syndrome (No medical insurance or money)

M & Ms - mortality and morbidity conferences where medics discuss epidemics, mistakes and patient deaths
M sign - Patient just goes "Mmmm"
MacTilt - how a Macmillan nurse (cancer care nurse) tilts his or her head to convey sympathy
MAFAT (May-fat) - Mandatory Anasthaesia F**k Around Time, precedes any incision
Map of Antarctica - (NZ) appearance of fatal spontaneous brain haemorrhage on CT scan
MARPs - Mind Altering Recreational Pharmaceuticals
Marriageable Monster - young female patient who has successfully undergone major plastic surgery.
Masochist - Trauma surgeon; Sadomasochist - Neurosurgeon
Matern-a-taxi - when a pregnant woman calls an ambulance because the contractions are every 2 minutes, but she doesn't have a single contraction during a 30 minute journey to hospital
MCBP - Member of the College of Bystander Physicians i.e. doctor having a look-see
Meat hooks - surgical instruments.
Metabolic clinic - the tea room
Metal Poisoning - what a patient allegedly dies of when he's held together with staples (also gunshot wound)
Meth Mouth – common symptom in methamphetamine addicted patients
MFB - Measure for box
MFC - Measure For Coffin
MFD, CFD - Measure For Box, Call For Dirt (severely ill [or dead or nearly so])
MFI - very large myocardial infarction
MGM syndrome - Faker putting on a real good show
Michelin's Disease/Disorder - multiple spare tyres (obese)
MICO - Masterly Inactivity and Catlike Observation
MICOS - Masterly inactivity, cat-like observation and steroids
Microdeckia - Micro = small, deck = deck of cards; patient playing with less that a full deck (low IQ)
MIDI - myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
MILF - Mother I'd Like to F**k. US version of GLM who is also PHAT
Milk of Amnesia - Propofol
Mini me - Trainee or medical student who copies their senior colleague too much but doesn’t say a lot (from Austin Powers films)
Mobile Drip Stands - Fire Dept (often found at emergencies alongside paramedics)
MOFAT (Moh-fat) - Mandatory Orthopaedic F**k Around Time, precedes any incision (alternative to MAFAT)
Molar masher - dentist
Mononeuronis Asynapsis - thick (one neuron, not connected!)
Mow The Lawn/Trim the Hedge - remove a long line of sutures
MTF - Metabolize to Freedom (i.e., let the person sober up, and then they can leave)
MUH - Messed up heart
Mulambo - (Brazil) poor patients in public outpatient clinics (literally rag + beggar)
MU Pain - Made Up pain (especially for sick notes and insurance claims)
Mushroom syndrome - suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them
MVA Special - CT scan of head, neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis (on car crash patient)
MVA Special With Gravy (aka MVA Full Meal Deal) - MVA Special plus face

n=1 trial - polite term for experimenting on a patient
NAD - Not actually done
Nastioma – mass that looks like aggressive neoplasia
NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
Nebulopathy- strange clinical signs with no "normal" disease apparent
Necrophiles - derogatory term for Pathologists (the love the dead)
Nectar of the Gods - coffee; without which many hospital services would shut down
Negative Wallet Biopsy - (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital because s/he has no insurance/funds
NETMA - Nobody Ever Tells Me Anything (generally a doctor's gripe on a patient's chart)
Neuro-faecal Syndrome - s**t for brains
Neuron - Neurologist.
Neuroslavery - Derogatory term for Neurosurgery based on the extreme long hours compared to orthopaedic surgery
NFF - Normal Fae Fife (Scottish version of NFN below)
NFN - Normal for Norfolk (rural area, suggests inbreeding or quaint rural oddness), might explain FLK
NFP - Normal for Portsmouth - repeat abortion, said to be particularly rife in Portsmouth, Hampshire, UK (a sailing port)
NFR - Not For Resuscitation; used on elderly patients’ charts where the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) instruction is without the knowledge of the patient themselves or their family
NGMI - Not Going to Make It
NKDA - Not known, didn’t ask
NLPR - No longer playing records (dying)
NOCTOR- Nurse tht has done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor
No Hopeamine - Dopamine
Not even in the ball game - confused, senile patient
NPS - New Parent Syndrome
NQR - Not Quite Right
NQRITH - Not Quite Right In the Head
NSA - Non-Standard Appearance (what a FLK grows into)

O sign - Patient unconscious with mouth open
OAP - Over-Anxious Patient
OB/GYN - actually means Obstetric/Gynaecology, rumoured to mean "Oh Boy-Got You Naked"
OBE - Open Both Ends (known in UK as DNV - Diarrhoea and Vomiting)
OBECALP - placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realise it's "placebo" in reverse)
OBS - Obvious bullsh*t
Obs and gobs - obstetrics and gynaecology
OCWTL - Overcome With The Lord (Tachylordia)
OFIG - One Foot In the Grave
OFIGATOOS - One Foot In the Grave And The Other One Slipping
Ohno-second - The time from making an error (e.g. dropping that hard-to-get sample immediately after you got it) to going "oh-no"
Oil slick - (1991, NZ) - appearance on CT scan of a porencephalic cyst
Old Man's Friend - (US) pneumonia, an illness which often carried off the elderly
Oligoneuronal - "few brain cells" i.e. thick (not very bright) (Note: In the UK, "dumb" means "mute")
OMGWTFBBQ - a person mangled in a car crash
Ooh-Aahs - Those who gather to gawk at an emergency and go "Oooh, Aaah"
OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
Optorectomy- operation to disconnect the eyeball from the anus, due to such a sh*tty outlook on life
Organ recital - a hypochondriac’s medical history
Orthopod - orthopaedic doctor
Osteocephaly - boneheaded
Ostrich Treatment - pretend it's not there and hope it goes away
OTD&DDR - Out The Door and Down The Road.
OTDPDS - Out The Door Pretty Damn Soon
OTLP - n the launch pad (to be discharged to home)
Overpriced Carpenter - orthopaedic doctor

P4P - Penicillin for Prick (peniecille for penile discharge)
P5T/P-to-the-fifth (see PPPPP) - can also mean bad genetic material or syndromic patient with numerous medical system problems
PAAF - Pissed as a fart (also PIAF -PIssed as A Fart)
PAFO - Pissed [Drunk] And Fell Over
Paint - Betadine (medication)
Pale face - (Brazil) child with leukaemia/severe anaemia.
Paninvestigram - order all the tests; for when you haven't got a clue what's going on
Pan-man Scan - Whole body scan (e.g. after car crash)
Paperweight - (NZ) very small patient with severe congenital mental retardation
Papoterapia - (Brazil) to give the patient a pep talk, chitchat therapy ("papo" = chitchat).
Parentectomy - removing parents as an effective cure for a child's problems
Pathology consult - referral when the patient dies
Pathology outpatients - Follow-up for dead people
Paws Up - dead
PBAB - Pine Box At Bedside
PBABLTO - Pine Box at Bedside, Leave Top Off
PBTB - "pine box to bedside"; indicates an imminent demise
PBS - Pretty bad shape
PBOO - Pine Box On Order
PD - Pencil D**k. General US insult. It gets applied to lazy doctors who pass work on to their peers and should not be confused for that other PD, Program Director (US terminology)
Pecker Checker - either a urologist or a sexual diseases doctor (also the ship's doctor in Naval slang)
Peek and Shriek - open a patient surgically, discover an incurable condition, and close the incision immediately
Pee Pee Docs - urology
PEFYC - Pre Extricated For Your Convenience (RTA victim that has gone through windscreen)
Penal Colony - renal ward/dept, especially when a superbug is on the loose
Percussive maintenance - the sharp tap/bang which cures faulty equipment
Permanent room - as in "He's here so often we should just give him his own room"
Pest control - term applied to psychiatrists by casualty officers
PFH - Parent(s) from Hell (custodians of BFH - Brat From Hell)
PFO - Pissed [Drunk] and Fell Over
PGT - Pissed [Drunk] and Got Thumped
Pharmaceutically Enhanced Personality - stoned or medicated
PHALS - Post-Harmless Accident Lawsuit Syndrome
PHAT - Pretty Hot and Tempting (warning to others)
PHD = Pakistani Healing Dance (a useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family)
PIA - Pain in the ass
PIAF - PIssed as a fart (also PAAF -Pissed As A Fart)
Pediatron - paediatrician
PID - Pus In 'Dere (PID actually means Pelvic Inflammatory Disease)
PID shuffle - spot diagnosis in A&E (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease)
Pig In A Blanket - Patient (esp an overweight one) in Bed With Fevr
Piles - (at beach resort clinics), sunburn cases: angry, hot and red (better known as lobsters)
Pillow Consult - wanting to smother a difficult patient
Pillow positive - (Wales) patients who are repeated admissions for prolonged periods with no physiological cause of their problems. It is joked they go to hospital with their own pillows ready for admission
Pillow Therapy - describes the urge to smother annoying patient (aggressive euthanasia, tontine treatment).
PIMBA - (Brazil) swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar ("Pé Inchado Mulambo Bêbado Atropelado")
Pineboxatosis - collection of conditions which lead to transfer to the ECU, usually accompanied by PBTB with positive Q-sign or O-sign
Pink puffer - patient breathing rapidly due to lung disease
Pinky Cheater - Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological examinations.
Pit - the emergency room
PITA - Pain in the ass
Pitiático - (Brazil) patients feigning illness.
Plank Positive - stupid, as in "thick as 2 short planks"
Plano Pafúncio - (Brazil) alleged preferential treatment of relatives of hospital employees.
Player - complaining, irritating patient
Please Consult Us If New (Surgical) Issues Arise - please never page me again
Please Optimize Medical Treatment - don't call us until you've done your job first
PLH - Pray Long and Hard
PLTDP - Practice Limited To Dead People
Plumbii Pendulosus - swinging the lead (malingering) anecdotally used on medical certificates to be presented in Court, esp in Magistrates' Court where the Magistrate is known to the Doctor
Plumboscillation - swinging the lead (malingering)
Plumbum oscillans - Latin for "swinging the lead" (malingering) i.e seeking a sick note to take time off work
Pneumo-cephalic - airhead
PNR - person needed ride i.e. minor ailment but called ambulance instead of taxi
Podo-Oral - Foot in Mouth (i.e. put one's foot in it - rarely used BY senior staff, sometimes used ABOUT them)
Pokemon (pronounced Pokey-man) - the medic who drains abscesses (Lancelot (lance-a-lot) in the UK)
Policeman Lesion - lesion on an X-ray so obvious that a policeman would spot it
Poliesculhambado - (Brazil) multi-f*cked-up patient.
Polybabydaddia - a mother who presents to the ER (Casualty) dept with 8 or 9 kids in tow, most of whom were fathered by a different men
Polydipose Dysfunction - big, fat patient (polydipose being invented plural of adipose [fat])
Pop Drop - granny dumping (dumping elderly relative at Casualty dept)
POPTA - Passed Out Prior To Arrival
Porcelain Level - fictitious blood test ordered to communicate to colleague that the patient is malingering (crock of sh*t)
Porch People, Walmart Greeters - Confused patients sitting in chairs in hall for close observation
PORG - Person Of Restricted/Retarded Growth (dwarf/midget)
Positive Blue Legs Sign - (US) resuscitation behind closed curtains (US ER medics wear blue scrubs)
Positive Gobbler - turkey i.e. faking illness to get out of drill (used by army medics)
Positive Hilton Sign - demanding patient expects Hilton Hotel luxury; indicates patient well enough to leave!
Positive Suitcase Sign - patients who are repeated admissions for prolonged periods with no physiological cause of their problems. They turn up at hospital with packed suitcases ready for admission
Possible This Possible That - consent form in case exploratory surgery
Post-Weekend Fatigue Syndrome - an ailment which presents at GP surgeries on Monday mornings
Pot Plant - person in a Persistant Vegetative State (often used in plural to mean coma ward)
Pox Docs - clap clinic (sexually transmitted disease clinic) doctors
PPP - Piss poor protoplasm
PPP,PPP - Piss-Poor Protoplasm, Probable Placement Problem
PPPPP - piss poor protoplasm poorly put-together (really old and/or decrepit)
PPA - Practicing Professional Alcoholic
PRATFO - Patient Reassured And Told to F*** Off
Pre-Detention Stress Disorder - a person who feigns medical symptoms when police handcuff him
Pre-stiff - terminally comatose patient.
PSLM (Por Si Las Moscas - because of the flies) (South America) - try some medications just in case (on a no-hope case)
Psychoceramics - psycho-geriatrics
Psycode - Code Blue in a psychiatric hospital i.e. patient passing out from the side effects of medication
Pucker Factor - the degree/speed of constriction of the surgeon's anal sphincter is directly proportional to the patient's risk of sudden death
Pumpkin Positive - a penlight shone into the patient's mouth/ear would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up
Purple (code purple) - when paramedics are called out to a dead body
Purple Plus - called out to collect a dead body that's started to fester
PVC Challenge - To intubate someone.
PWT - Po' (poor) White Trash (with a condition related to their lifestyle)

Q sign - Patient unconscious/terminal with mouth open and tongue hanging out; "Dotted Q" means flies land on tongue (dead/dying). Reversible Q-sign means you can push the patient's tongue back into the mouth to form the O-sign. Irreversible Q-sign means the tongue keeps falling back out of the mouth after it’s pushed back in (very bad sign)
Q-Tip - Elderly person (white haired old person) (Q-Tip is a cotton bud)
Quackpractor - chiropractor
Qwertyitis - what a doctor suffers from when he spends more time on a computer than with actual patients
QID - Queen in distress (hissy fit)

Rabbit - over-talkative (from slang "Rabbit & Pork - talk)
Radio-I-suppose-otope - imaging agent used in Unclear Medicine (Nuclear Medicine)
Raisin Farm - old person's home, geriatric ward etc (also Raisin Farmer - person who runs old persons' home)
Ralphie McYakkers - young drunks vomiting
Rapid Lead Infusion - obnoxious patient ought to be shot
Rays - radiology dept
RBG - Received by God (a person in receipt of a Celestial Transfer)
RBS - Really Bad Shape
Rear Admiral - proctologist
Rear Admiralty - proctology dept
Rectoencephalitis - head-up-own-ar5e syndrome
Red dot - physicians from India, relates to red dot on their forehead
Red pipe - artery (as opposed to "blue pipe" or vein)
Reeker - smelly patient
Removal men - dept of care of elderly people
Retrospectoscope - instrument of hindsight
Rheumaholiday - rheumatology (considered by hard-pressed juniors to be a less busy dept)
Ringo – (after Beatles drummer Ringo Starr) an expendable team member
Roach - a patient, usually a dirtbag/ingrate, that can't be killed despite near lethal complications of an already serious ailment
ROAD - Dermatologist. Acronym "Retired On Active Duty" Akin to "dermaholiday"
Road Chilli - Unrestrained driver/motorcyclist or passenger, ejected and splattered
Road Map - injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first.
Road Map Abdomen - scarred from multiple ops (same as Gridiron Belly, Zorro Belly)
Road Pizza - Unrestrained driver/motorcyclist or passenger, ejected and splattered
Road Test - to get a drunk patient to walk up and down a corridor; if they pass they are turfed, if they fail they need a bit longer to sober up.
Roasted Goober - tumour after intensive cobalt treatment.
Rock - a patient that stays on your service forever
Rocket Room - a ward/unit where there are many deaths (many transfers to heaven)
Rocking horse stool - even rarer than hen's teeth
Rooters - indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in order to be entertained by legitimate cases.
Rose cottage - mortuary
Rothman's sign - tobacco staining of fingers
Rounding Up The Usual Suspects - Ordering a set of tests for a given set of symptoms
RPVU - Relative Porsche Value Unit: surgical index of potential income from the repair of patient injuries, usually orthopaedic in nature. Fractured finger = a windscreen wiper; a fractured hip = new tyres etc.
RT - Room Temperature (dead)
RTT with a BBB - Rat-a-Tat-Tat with a Baseball Bat (hit with blunt instrument).
Rudy Baga - Patient with terminal brain injury, persistent vegetative state (rutabaga is a vegetable).
Rule of Five - if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance
Running Towards the Light - dying

S2 - Sit the f**k down and shut the f**k up
Saddles - Maternity sanitary towels (napkins), so called for their size and the bow-legged effect of wearing them
Samsonite Positive (Positive Samsonite Test) - someone who turns up in emergency with all their luggage (and insists on being admitted to a ward)
San Fran Twist - performing a prostate examination by hooking the index finger in a half-circle upon insertion into the rectum
Sarcoidosis - an actual disease, but a perfectly acceptable answer that may be included in ANY differential diagnosis
SAS - Sick As Sh*t
SBI - Something Bad Inside e.g. undiagnosed cancer/unexpected serious condition found when performing surgery
SBLEO - (pronounced S-B-Leo) Suicide By Law Enforcement Officer
SBOD - Stupid bitch/bastard on drugs
Scepticaemia - chronic condition suffered by two doctors in a debate over which therapy
Scrape and Staple - burns unit
Scratch and sniff - gynaecological examination
Scumdex - 1 pt for every tattoo, extra piercing, IVDU scar, etc. The higher the scumdex, the greater the likelihood of survival. See also TTI
Search and Rescue - Medics allocated to look after the patients dotted in non-medical wards
Sellout - Derogatory term for plastic surgeon in private practice
Sent Over the Hedges - sent to radiology
SEP - Somebody else's problem (not to be confused with sepsis)
September club - the students who have to return after summer holidays for retakes
Serum porcelain - battery of blood tests on an elderly patient
Serum rhubarb - What they test for at tertiary centres
SFS - Stinky Foot Syndrome (often related to homeless)
SF Scale - Sphincter Factor Scale: 1 to 10 scale indicating degree of bowel-loosening in response to an emergency
SHA - Ship His Ass (when patients refuse to be discharged).
SHAD - Syphilitic, Hypochondriac, Alcoholic Degenerate
Shadow gazer - radiologist
Shandy Tap - bloodless lumbar puncture
Shit and Get - to access a trauma patient, say to yourself "Oh Shit!", stabilize and transfer
Sh*ts & Spits - lab tech term for a patient's stool and sputum samples; also the instruction to obtain these samples
Short-Order Chefs - mortuary workers.
Shotgun Labs - to order many lab tests, hoping one will turn up an answer to a puzzling case
Shotgunning - Ordering of a vast array of tests in the hopes that one or other of them will give an idea of what is wrong with a patient
SHPOS - Sub-Human Piece of Sh*t
SHS - Sullen, Hostile, Stupid (often an inner city drug/alcohol addict)
Shy Turd - severe constipation
Sick - Really sick i.e. FTD (Fixing To Die) or CTD (Circling The Drain)
Sidewalk Souffle - (US) suicide-by-jumping
Sieve - a doctor who admits almost every patient he sees
SIG - Stroppy Ignorant Girl
SIG - (certain US regions) self-inflicted gerbil (anecdotal)
Significant History - HIV positive
Silver Bracelet Award - patient is a prisoner brought in wearing cuffs
Silver Goose, Silver Stallion - proctoscope.
Síndrome JEC - (Brazil) terminal patient ("Jesus Está Chamando" = "Jesus is calling").
SIO - Sleeping It Off
Slashers - general surgeons
Slough - a patient inappropriately or unfairly unloaded from one hosptial unit on another
Slow Code (to China) - elderly very ill patient who wants everything done so they will not die. Everyone on the medical team disagrees
Smashola - patient with multiple blunt trauma injuries e.g. from car smash
Smellybridge - area between the anus and the back of the scrotum (perineum)
Smiling Mighty Jesus - (US) spinal meningitis (also Screamin' Mighty Jesus)
Smoke the Anaesthetic Cigar/Smoke the Camel - intubated
Smurf Sign - patient blue or going blue
SNEFS/M SNEFS - Subnormal (or Mentally Subnormal) Even For Suffolk (a rural English county)
Snow - to accidently give a patient too much medication/mixed medication so they go into an altered state of consciousness ("Don't snow that patient with Drug X and Drug Y at the same time!)
Snowed - being in a state of altered consciousness due to too much/mixed medication
SNUD - Sick Nigh Unto Death
SOB, SOB, SOB - Silly Old Bugger/B*stard/Bitch, Sitting Out of Bed/Sitting On Bed, Short Of Breath
SOCMOB - Standing On Corner Minding Own Business (when inexplicably injured)
SODDI - Some Other Doctor Did It (when one medic's botched jobs must be put right/answered for by someone else)
Sofa Surfer - homeless person who sleeps on friends' sofas and floors (ends up at A&E for "3 hots and a cot" when s/he has nowhere else to stay)
Soft Admission - an admission that only a "Sieve" would accept
SOG - Sick Old Guy (male version of LOL (Little Old Lady))
Solomf yoyo - So long, mother-f*****, you're on your own (see "amyoyo syndrome")
Space cadet/Buzz Lightyear - confused patient (dementia or drug-related)
SPAK - Status Post Ass Kicking
Speed bumps - haemorrhoids
Spin the Patient - CT scan
Spots and dots - traditional set of childhood diseases - measles, mumps, and chicken pox
Squash - brain.
Squirrel - eccentric or hypochodriac ("squirrelly") patient who can make life difficult. Found in the phrase "squirrels get sick too" to remind staff that even eccentric patients may have a real medical problem
SRI - Something Wrong Inside (undiagnosable problem)
SSDD - Same Sh*t Different Day (in conjunction with Frequent Flyer)
Stage Mother - person accompanying patient and encouraging patient to exaggerate the complaint (often to obtain a particular diagnosis or to get an unnecessary prescription)
Stamp - skin graft
Status Hispanicus - (US) much like Acute Puerto Rican Syndrome.
Steel Sign - surgical metalwork from previous ops visible on x-ray
St Elsewhere - medical academia's term for any non-teaching hospital
Stem to Stern - throat to pubis incision
Stream team - urology dept
Stupidity Panel - lab test (for patient stupidity) that, when invented, will earns its inventor a fortune (i.e. thick patient)
Sturgeon - surgeon
Sucking The Peace Pipe – intubated
Summer Teeth - some are teeth and some aren't ...
Sunshine - how one addresses an entitled, arrogant patient
Supratentorial - above the falx tentorium/cerebellum i.e. psychosomatic e.g. supratentorial pain
SVRI - Something Very Wrong Inside (usually terminal)
SWAG - Scientific Wild Ass Guess
Sweet Milk/ Mother's Milk - Propofol; a reference to its milky appearance and pain-relieving use
SWI - Something Wrong Inside
SWW - Sick, wet and whiny (infant)
SYB - Save Your Breath (for patients who don't take advice)

Tachylordyosis (with the junctional Jesus) - Usually a middle-aged to older black female American with a complaint of "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy", occasionally with the interspersed "Jesus" i.e. "lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy, Jesus help me, lordy, lordy"
Tachylawdia - as above (variant spelling), but without the "Jesus"
TAPS - Thick As Pig Sh*t
TARFU - Things are really f**cked up
Tash Test - observation suggestive of HIV status (presence of a Freddie Mercury-esque moustache)
TATT (or TAT) - Talks All The Time (also "Tired All The Time")
Tattoo Titre/T&T Sign - indication of patient insanity: more than 5 tattoos indicates likely crazy person
T&T Sign - Tattoo-to-Teeth Sign: survival indicator; those who are tattooed and toothless will survive major injuries
Taint Spot - Perineum: "It ain't this and it ain't that"
Taxidermy Consult - call for a taxidermist's consultation i.e. person about to die
Tax-Sucker - Someone who does not need an ambulance, but calls anyway because it's free
TBC - Total Body Crunch: multiple injuries
TBD - total body dolor i.e. complains of pain everywhere
TBP - Total body pain
TDS - Terminal deceleration syndrome (e.g. RTA death, high-rise syndrome, jump-suicides and parachute-failed-to-open)
TEC - Transfer to Eternal Care i.e. dead
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
Testiculation – (male) consultant holds forth on a subject with expressive hand gestures, but has little knowledge of the subject.
TF BUNDY - Totally f*cked, but unfortunately not dead yet
TFO - Too F*cking Old (person dying of old age).
TFTB - Too Fat To Breathe
Thank You For This Interesting Consult - this is complete b*llsh*t
THC - Three hots and a cot; sought in A&E by the local homeless
The Fish Plant - Gynaecology/Obstetrics Ward (from Newfoundland, where fisheries is the main industry)
The Garden - neurological ICU where the vegetables (coma patients) live
The Promised Land - private practice/final year of medical school
Therapeutic Monitoring - monitoring a patient purely because it makes the doctor feel better.
Thorazine shuffle - the slow, lumbering gait of psychiatric patients dosed up on phenothiazines
Three-toed sloth - patient with diminished capacities, usually from long-term alcoholism
Throckmorton’s Sign - in the unconscious male, the penis points to the injury
TLC - Tube, Lavage & Charcoal (given to poisoning victim)
TLGP -Two Legged Guinea Pig - patient undergoing experimental or extreme treatments
TLR - Two Legged Rat - refers to a patient undergoing experimental or extreme treatments
TMB - Too Many Birthdays: person dying of "old age"
TMI - Three Meaningless Initials (e.g. John Smith, TMI - applied to medics with qualifications rather than ability)
Toaster - defibrillator
TOBP - Tired of Being Pregnant (especially patient demanding caesarian)
TOG - Tears of Gratitude
Tontine Treatment - Urge to put pillow over face of irritating patient (alludes to a type of will called a "tontine")
Tooth to Tattoo Ratio - Visual determination of basic intelligence. A positive ratio (more teeth then tattoos) is generally better than a negative ratio is bad.
Torture Room - Intensive Care Unit (due to invasive tubes and monitors and experimental treatments).
Tough stick - patient whose veins are hard to find when drawing blood
Toxic Confusional State - Confused, usually elderly, person whose problem is due to constipation (toxic build up in body)
Train Wreck / Shipwreck - a person with more hospital visits/diagnoses then they have years of life
Trambiclínica - (Brazil) a clinic staffed by medical students in order to maximise profits ("fraudulent clinic").
Transcranial Lead Therapy - gunshot wound passing through head
Trans-occipital implants - bullet wound to the head
Trauma Gods - Mythological deities whom A&E personnel believe to be the cause of major emergencies
Trauma Handshake - digital rectal examination - every major trauma patient gets one
Trauma Twinkie - ambulance (one of the smaller or European-style ones)
Treat ’n’ street - A&E's term for quick patient turnaround
Trick cyclists - psychiatrists
Trigger Happy - a medic that gives a shot [injection] for everything or patient that used call button excessively.
TRO - Time ran out
Trubufu - (Brazil) African-Brazilian obstetric patient (literally "fat, ugly black woman").
T-sign (UK) - the number of untouched cups of cold tea at a deceased patient's bedside. Used as an indicator of approximate time of death (i.e. the patient died but nobody noticed)
TSL - To Stupid to Live
TSS - Toxic Sock Syndrome (often related to homeless)
TTFO - Told To F*ck Off
TTJ – transfer to Jesus
TTR - (UK) Tea Time Review (a ripping yarn?)
TTOAST - Take Them Out and Shoot Them
TTR - (US) Tattoo-to-Tooth Ratio (Dirtbag Ratio)
TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination (might happen to a GLM)
Turf - get rid of patient by referring to another team (see also buffing, sloughing and bouncing)
Turn and Baste - incontinence care (roll and clean up patient after a code brown)
Turtle's Head - in severe constipation where the anus is dilated and a faecal mass is visible (aka "shy turd") - the problem is, it starts to come out and then, like a turtle's head, it goes back in again!
TVTP - Tried Vancomycin, Try Prayer (Vancomycin is anti-MRSA drug – it’s resistant to anything else)
TWA - third world assassins. Slang for the allegedly poor medical care delivered by physicians who went to medical school in foreign countries
Twitch - hypochondriac
Two beers - the number of beers every patient involved in an alcohol-related automobile accident claims to have drunk before the accident
Two Dudes - a patient who was in a fight "Two dudes jumped me for no reason" (implying the patient would have one against one assailant)
Two Stops Short of West Ham - (Psychiatry) Barking mad. Barking is slang for "mad" and also the name of a station; it is 4 stops from West Ham, but the psych slang follows the formula "2 sandwiches short of a picnic", "Tuppence short of a shilling" (simple-minded/nuts) - the deficit is alway 2 items. Severe madness is "Dagenham" i.e. "3 stops beyond Barking".
TWSAM - Trash Will Survive And Multiply

UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury
UDI - Unidentified Drinking Injury
UFO - Unidentified Frozen Object: unidentified dead homeless person in the winter
UGLI – Ugly: a patient (usually a child) who looks a bit odd but has nothing wrong with them ULPP - Unlicensed Pharmaceutical Provider (drug dealer)
Unborn Farts/Retained Farts - abdominal bloating due to trapped wind (gas)
Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine
Unfascinectomy - long slog of a procedure
Unfascinoma - long procedure, now getting longer or a procedure that fascinates specialist diagnosticians, but isn't fascinating surgeons
UNIVAC - Unusually Nasty Infection, Vultures are Circling
UPF - Un-Passed Fart (gaseous distended abdomen)
Urban Outdoorsman - Homeless person

VAC - Vultures are Circling (dying)
Vampires - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs (also slang for blood donor service)
VBA - Valuable Breathing Air i.e. what some patients or doctors are wasting
VBT - Very Bad Thing
VD - Veak and Dizzy; older person feeling vaguely unwell and presents at ER at 2am complaining of feeling "weak and dizzy"
Vedgy - a patient requiring intensive care, incapable of movement
Vegetable garden - Coma ward
Velcro - Family or friends accompanying patient everywhere
Veranda - area in front of nurse's station where the porch people sit (see Porch People)
Very Close Veins - varicose veins
Viaggravation - what a doctor gets from a patient who is demanding erectile dysfunction medication on the NHS (not all areas of the UK provide this on NHS)
VOMIT - Victim Of Modern Imaging Technology (i.e. try treating the patient, not the report from radiology; particularly referring to invasive procedures for false positives.
VIP - Very intoxicated person
Virgin Abdomen - patient that has never had abdominal surgery before and therefore has little intra-abdominal scarring
Vitamin A - Ativan
Vitamin D – Diesel (ambulance term). "Give it some Vitamin D" means drive faster
Vitamin H - Haldol; in the case of a drug addict, it means Heroin
Vitamin K - Ketamine. Also called "Special K" (street name)
Vitamin L - Lasix, Levaquin or other familiar drug beginning with L
Vitamin M – Morphine
Vitamin P - Lasix (diuretic) given to stimulate urination (peeing) in post-operative patients; can also mean Prozac
Vitamin V - Valium, Diazepam or any intravenous sedative; in General Practice it is Viagra
Vitamin Z – Zosyn or Zoloft
VOMIT - Victim Of Modern Imaging Technology (i.e. try treating the patient, not the report from radiology; particularly referring to invasive procedures for false positives.
VTMK - Voice To Melt Knickers (the voice deliberately cultivated by some doctors)

WADHAO - weak and dizzy and hurt all over
WAFTAM - ("woff-tam"): Waste Of F***Ing Time And Money
Wall - a doctor who resists admitting patients at all costs
Wallet Biopsy - (US) free medical test performed by hospital insurance department before patient is treated (UK) similar test in private health sector
Walmart Greeters (Porch People) - Confused patients sitting in chairs in hall for close observation
Ward 101 - The source of referrals that fills the recipient with dread. (after Room 101 in George Orwells novel 1984)
Ward X - the morgue
Weed Puller - Obstetrician
White cloud - a on-call doctor who has uneventful call nights. As opposed to a Black Cloud
White Lizard - the white coloured "cocktail" given for stomach problems (Black Lizard is similar "cocktail" but contains activated charcoal)
White Mice - tampons
Wifty - Mildly confused, but seems oriented most of the time Wig picker - therapist or psychologist
Wilkinson's Syndrome - a patient who has slashed their wrists with a razor blade (after a popular brand of razor)
Will Follow From A Distance - will check your lab results, but will never set foot in your room again
William - (UK) chiropedist i.e. William the corn-curer (William the Conqueror)
Win the Game (or Yahtzee) - to discharge all of the patients from your service, so that you have no inpatients (i.e. no ward rounds) next day.
Winner - a patient with very good luck
Witch doctor - specialist in internal medicine
WITPOMS - Why Is This Patient On My Service
WNL - (Ambulance/casualty) Within Normal Limits, but more often interpreted as We Never Looked
WNL - Will Not Listen; patient won't take medical advice
WoGS - Wrath of God Syndrome (visited upon junior medics by more senior staff)
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
Woolly jumper - any non-acute physician
Woolworth's Test - (UK anaesthesia) if you can imagine patient shopping in Woolies, it's safe to give a general anaesthetic
WWI - Walking while intoxicated (and fell over)
Wrinkly - geriatric

YAVIS - Young, attractive, verbal, intelligent, successful.
YMRASU - Your Medical Records Are Screwed Up
YOYO - You're on your own; see "amyoyo" and "solomf yoyo" (also message passed from one doctor to another regarding problem/mystifying cases)

Zebra - an unusually strange or unexpected disease (from the saying "When you hear hoofbeats, the smart money is on horses, not zebras")
Zorro belly - (Brazil) patient who has had multiple abdominal surgeries.

Note: Any dept ending in "-ology" is likely to be nicknamed "-holiday" by those working in busier depts.

Living in this society....

2009-08-08T21:08:00.002-06:00

First of all, I would not describe myself as a feminist. However, I do believe that men and women should be treated equally.
After reading this article (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/08/opinion/08herbert.html?partner=rss&emc=rss) I realized how much I am surrounded by patriarchal or misogynistic people/work places.

I encourage you all to take a step back and thing if you contribute to this problem, men and women.

What do you think? Are women at risk?

I wonder if she did pageants

2009-07-29T20:30:00.001-06:00

http://www.nowpublic.com/strange/santa-cruz-city-council-girl-video-goes-viral

This is priceless....

2009-07-02T12:12:00.000-06:00

http://www.lamebook.com/paging-dr-douche-dr-douche

See above

2009-07-01T17:52:00.002-06:00

At the top of this blog there is a box with all of my "shared" items. I read several blogs through google reader. It is a great little gadget that google has where you can put all of the blogs that you read on one page and so you don't have to open 3 dozed tabs/windows. (the only downfall, it doesn't work with private pages).
So of all of the blogs that I read, I "share" them with my friends and family. I would love to post them all on my own blog but I don't have time. So I have added this little gadget that will let me share them with you.
Just another way for you to see the things that I like and that I think are interesting.

Enjoy!

I love this website....

2009-07-01T17:50:00.001-06:00

Seriously - if you want to buy myself or Tyson a gift for any reason at all, pretty much anything on this website would kick ass!!!!
http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp

AWESOME!!!!!!

I think I'm speechless

2009-05-30T13:57:00.001-06:00

I honestly don't know what to say to this website...

http://www.holytaco.com/30-awesomely-bad-unicorn-tattoos-gallery

But I'm glad I don't have one of those....

Things I miss about dating....

2009-05-04T18:09:00.002-06:00

1. Meeting random/psycho/slightly creepy/narcisstic people

2. I don't have as many stories as I used to. I need stories.

3. Free meals

4. Going to different places that I normally wouldn't go to, but I do because I'm stuck without my own car to drive away.

5. Going to places that I like to go, but getting to go for free because the date pays for them

6. Having slightly intelligent, but WAY to deep conversations (I still have intelligent conversations, but they are not creepy like they used to be, which I guess is okay)

7. Again, stories.... I guess I pretty much just miss the stories - like "I dated this one guy....."

Things I've read lately....

2009-04-01T15:25:00.003-06:00

I read a lot of blogs. In fact, I probably spend a good majority of my waking hours reading blogs and news. Below are some things that I have found to be interesting, funny or inspiring....

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!! I live in Utah, so I can pretty much guaruntee that I will see some mommy wearing this. I promise to the blog world that I will NEVER wear this item, or let any of my friends wear it, without a lot of crap if they do.

I suck at sending any kind of card what-so-ever. So this would be an excellent gift for me.

Oh YES she did. Miss Universe, 2009 Dayana Mendoza recently wrote a blog about visiting Guantanamo Bay. In it she talked about it experience being "a looooooot of fun". She said that she found it to be a "calm and peaceful place" and "didn't want to leave." Wow, yes she did. Poor girl. We never said that beauty pageants were for smart girls.... But hey - she's really pretty! Unfortunately the actual blog has been removed from the website, replaced with a statement from Paula Shugart explaining Dayana's previous blog. Damn, the Miss Universe Organization have some damn good media agents, they are great at damage control. I feel for the girl though, when I was 22, I said some pretty ridiculously awesome things.

Untitled

2009-03-20T22:07:00.003-06:00

This makes me feel greatful for all that I have.

I have a home, a car, a job (4 jobs), food and clothing.

What are you grateful for?

Dead Fish

2009-03-05T18:56:00.002-07:00

It has been a long and short month. I have never had so many short naps in my life. I wake up every 3 hours almost on cue now to check on the babe. Most of the time he is sleeping soundly next to me. I have succumbed to having him sleep in the bed with us. I always said I would never do that, I don't remember my reasons now. But I realize now that he sleeps so much better when he is next to me. And I think I sleep better too.

Things I have learned in the past month:
1. Cleaning up after myself really isn't that hard if I just do it immediately (thanks Rachel) In order to not get the dishes stacked up (especially the pots and pans) just do them right after they are used. It's not as hard as I make it out to be, I'm just lazy.

2. Never say never. Situations and circumstances change and often they change you too. Things I thought I would never do, or care about, I do. Taking pictures everyday of this little thing, not to mention sacrificing my body, time, mind and sleep to make him happy.

3. It really IS different when it is your own kid. I never thought I would care what was in a babies diaper but I do. I have even been keeping a log of it (pee or poo). Lots of poo or just a little poo? Did he fart today? How many times did he burp up food? What his poo yellow and seedy? (Disgusting, I know. But it really IS different when it's your kid).

4. Babies are just like dogs in the sense that they just poop, pee, eat and sleep. BUT the love for a child is totally different. I can't explain how it is different, but it is.

5. Being a mom is hard because you don't have anyone telling you if you're doing it right or wrong. Is there a right way? What should I be doing? Do I play with him? Is he too young for toys? Should I turn the tv off? Is he getting enough food? I can google all of these questions and read all of the websites and books that are out there, but I still don't feel like I have the answers. For once in my life, I don't feel like I have the answers, nor can I research them.

6. Motherly instincts are real. I know what he needs before he even needs it. I wake up before he does, knowing that he is going to want food, or want to be changed. Or he wants you to stand up and walk around with him. Or he is cold. I don't know if these instincts will last for a long time but I hope they last forever. I want to keep that connection with my son.

7. I love my husband more now that he is a father. His interactions with his son, make me love and appreciate him more than I ever imagined I ever could.

8. They really do grow up fast. People continued to tell me that when he was born and I believed them. But I didn't realize how quickly it happens. Although I miss how little he was when I first brought him home from the hospital, I also can't wait for the growing that is to come.

Thank you to all of my friends and family that have helped me out this past month. The food, visits, phone calls and texts mean a lot to me and have helped me recover from my surgery and adjust to being a mother. It is very much appreciated.

Atlas has his own blog now that he will make postings on, so that my blog will go back to being my own. His blog is private, but we will add you if we know you ;)
www.atlas-w.blogspot.com

Atlas Update

2009-02-13T22:21:00.004-07:00

He just saved 15% on his car insurance.

The Milk Coma

Hi Everyone,

Here are some updates for what Atlas has been up to!

Feb 9th - Atlas peed on Mommy during a diaper change! He also had his first official "blow out" with poop all up his back and everything!

He went to the pediatrician (Dr. Brent Eberhard) and did a great job! His height is 20.2 inches (50th percentile), weight 7 lbs 11 oz (45th percentile), and his head circumference is 14 (35th percentile)

We were warned not to have a lot of visitors until Atlas is at least 1 month old because it is RSV season and it spreads like mad. So don't be offended if we tell you that we're not ready for visitors, and PLEASE if you are allowed to visit, don't come if you are even slightly sick.

Feb 10th - Atlas got his first bath. Not only that but he peed all over daddy's shirt before he went to work. Dad says that's one strike, three strikes and he's out on the street (just kidding).

Atlas also peed on Grandma Cher Cher!

Feb 12th - We went through 3 outfits today because Atlas continued to pee and poo on them! Hahaha!

Tyson and I are having so much fun with him. We both love watching him sleep and he makes such silly faces while he sleeps!

Say hello to Atlas

2009-02-04T16:29:00.005-07:00

Atlas Thomas Black Whitehead

8 lbs 1 oz
20 inches
Born February 4, 2009 at 1:44 am after 22 hours of labor and then a c-section. The little guy had his cord wrapped around his neck 3 times so we're lucky he wasn't coming out and they decided on the c-section.

What is your guess?

2009-01-30T12:12:00.002-07:00

So at this point I could have this baby "any day." The mid-wives have not changed my due date of February 7th, but they have also given me different perspectives, one of them says February 11th and another one says any day.
I have had an ultrasound that estimated his weight at 7 pounds 11ounces plus/minus 15 ounces. The ultrasound was 2 weeks ago. My uterus is also measuring at 42 weeks right now.
I was "checked" on Wednesday and I am not efaced or dialated at all. But I have "thinned" some.

So let's have some fun! Leave a comment of when YOU think Atlas will be born.
Please include date, time, weight and length.
The winner can babysit! Hahaha! j/k

This is not really fun anymore....

2009-01-23T22:40:00.003-07:00

I'm not even pushing out.... This was supposed to be his coming home outfit... I don't think it's going to fit him...

Check out my Chunky Monkey

2009-01-16T12:53:00.002-07:00

He's so fat! Look at those chubby cheeks!!!

He's got Daddy's big lips!! So kissable!

And... yes... he's definitely a boy.....

New Baby Bump Picture

2009-01-02T19:24:00.002-07:00

I'm cute huh? Check out my sexy washer and dryer behind me! Thanks mom!

The Sweater Party 08

2009-01-02T19:13:00.004-07:00

Here are the pics from the Ugly Sweater Party of 2008. Enjoy.

Kate & Tyson - She got an awesome white elephant gift!

Matthew loves his gift too!

My gift was the best. Chocolate and underwear!

Vanessa, Downtown Jared Brown, and Nicole (talk about some ugly sweaters)

The love birds :)

Pageant girls! Valerie, Me, Kasi and Karen(Honey).

My padre.... I stole his sweater...

The Christmas List

2008-12-14T14:28:00.002-07:00

Hello Family and Friends,
As requested, here is mine and Tyson's list of Christmas needs/wants. If you have any questions, please feel free to text either of us.
However, please note that if you get us a gift, it doesn't mean that we will be giving you one in return, as we are very poor. All gifts, if any, given this year will be homemade with love.
All gifts are in no particular order:

Us

Bed Bath & Beyond registry (from our wedding) still has plenty of things that we need for our home
Water softener
Compact digital camera
Video camera
Cash
Lowe's Gift Card (for several things around our house that we need)
Ice Cream Maker
Dining Table & Chairs
Cash for crib (we would like to purchase our own crib as a couple, and would appreciate cash donations so we can buy it ourselves)
Tires for Jessica's car
Lemonade jar with spigot (Sur la Table)
Bathroom sized garbage can
Knife sharpener
Wok w/Lid
Anodized Tumblers
Kitchen Mixer Black or White
Sweet onesies (from thinkgeek or t-shirt hell)
Bed frame
Diapers (Swaddlers)

Tyson

Cruise Control for truck (or money to do so)
Amplifier (4 channel, speaker level inputs)
Garage door opener
Pint glasses
Clothes-Pimp white shirt (nice french cuffs), Nice jeans, Casual/nice button up shirts short sleeve
Tie rack
Seinfeld DVD Seasons 8 & 9
South Park DVD Season 1-11 except 4
Amazon Gift Card
Micro spy remote (Thinkgeek)
REI Gift Card(for camping gear)
Cannondale Chase frame w/fork
Shure SCL5 Earphones

Jessica

Sewing Machine(registered at Target for one, but anything similar is fine)
Barnes & Noble Gift Card
Target Gift Card
Victoria's Secret Gift Card
Sephora Face Wash (Specific), http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P12007&categoryId=C12411 &
IKEA Bookshelf (Billy Series)
Apple slicer
Shoe rack
All sizes of rubbermaid containers (mostly big ones)
Slippers
Shoes

Halloween Pictures... they are very late....

2008-12-07T13:24:00.003-07:00

This is how Teletubbies mate....
I hope you know what this is from....

Family portrait... Borat, Lady Bug, Vampiress

Borat

Sugar Daddy... get it?

Hahaha!

Fun Pizza Party

2008-12-07T13:09:00.004-07:00

Fun Pizza Party at Eli's house!
This pizza was a concoction of Tyson's. Greek Olives, Roma Tomatoes, Mushrooms, cheese, and pizza sauce. It was delicious!

This was Eli's creation of spicy peanut sauce, chicken, basil, and a bunch of other good things.

Tyson is a double fister.

This was also delicious. Pieces of chicken with roma tomatoes and greek olives.

Eli needs a rolling pin....

First pizza of the night. Greek olives, mushrooms, fresh basil, pizza sauce and cheese.

This is Brent and his rat tail..... gross....

For more pizza party fun... give us a call and bring your pizzaz pizza maker!!!

New Baby Pictures

2008-12-07T13:04:00.002-07:00

Here are a couple of pictures from Thanksgiving... 10 weeks left!!!

However, we went to an appointment and my mid-wife says that I'll be lucky if I have the baby by February 11th. So it looks like we're adding a couple more weeks to this time.... dangit!!!

Body World

2008-11-25T16:31:00.002-07:00

I highly recommend attending this incredible exhibit at the Leonardo/Old Salt Lake Library. Not only is it interesting and informative, but I found it to be VERY educational.
I took Human Biology in college 3 times. The first time I got a C, the second a D, and the third a B. If I would have just seen this exhibit the first time, I would have gotten an A. Although there are boobs and penis' if you have children 5 and above, I think they would also find this very interesting and educational.
My only suggestion for future exhibits would be to add more information about obesity. All of the bodies on display were perfect. There didn't seem to be much room for any imperfections. However, I think more information and displays about obesity could encourage others to live a healthy life style. I have heard many doctors say that it is "never too late" to begin living a health life style with exercise and good diet.
The brain and heart sections were very interesting and I found myself learning new things.

I was tagged....

2008-11-17T18:19:00.004-07:00

I was tagged by my neice that can't type.

7 random and/or weird facts about me:

1. I have a cup of coffee once a day. (or one Dr.Pepper)

2. I LOVE halloween. I would rather have Halloween than Christmas.

3. I wash my face twice when I shower.

4. I have 4 jobs and I love them all!

5. I like to eat raw cookie dough.

6. I have never cleaned my car (gross, I know)

7. I cheated on my times tables tests in 3rd grade.... I still don't know them....

I tag Tyson (cause he will do it)

It has been suggested...

2008-11-17T17:48:00.007-07:00

It has been suggested that I have two blogs. It has also been suggested that I not post things that are going to offend people. Here is my response.....

Don't read my blog. If you are unable to accept opinions outside your own scope of life, then this is not the blog for you. If you are unable to accept that not all people are like you, and that other people swear and can be crude and offensive, don't read my blog.

My friends and family that truly know and appreciate who I am will read my blog and know when to say something and when not to say something.

If you don't like something that I write on my blog, feel free to say something, but don't expect me to change my own ways or to not express MY own feelings on MY own blog.

This is NOT a family blog. Tyson and I do not have a "family" blog. When our child is old enough to type, he can have his own blog. Tyson and I have two seperate blogs, he has his own and I have my own. On my blog I express my opinions, talk about what is going on in my life, and vent my own frustrations or feelings.

The only person that I invited to view my blog was my husband, Tyson. The only person that will love and appreciate all of me and my opinions, even if we differ on some of them.

If you are truly interested in my life and want to know information about my child then you can do what families do, pick up the phone, ask us over for dinner.

Don't email me or make comments on my blog, thinking that is communication. It's not. It took me a long time to learn that true communication is between two people, face to face. Technology has only hindered, not helped, this process of communication. I have witnessed this several times within my own family, as well as Tyson's. Emailing, texting, or blogging, is NOT a way to communicate with someone. It is pretty much just stating an opinion. If you only want to tell someone how you feel then do one of the ways listed above. However, communication should be a two way street. If you want to have a discussion with someone, do it in person. TALKING to each other is a great way to communicate with someone. And it is possible to have a discussion with someone even if your views differ, as long as there are two open minds involved, then it is possible.

For those of you that will continue to read my blog, thanks and welcome.

To those of you that will choose to not read my blog, have a nice life.

SUCK IT!!!!

2008-11-04T21:43:00.002-07:00

HAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Wow... that felt good... oh wait...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!

Not that I voted for Obama (because I didn't) but I sure as hell did NOT vote for McCain either!

HAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAA
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Holy shit.... wow.... whew....hold on.....

HAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Seriously, if I had balls, I would tell at least 10 specific people to suck them.....

Sometimes I don't want to be right. But this time.... I'm swimming in it!!!

However, he still has 2 months and 4 years to be assassinated, so we'll see how the McCain lovin' red-neck nazi's deal with that!

Either way....

HAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

PS - Switzerland or maybe Canada are still possibilities in our future. Only because the democratic ticket isn't much better than the republican. The US has a long way to go before it is back to its original roots and beliefs. Something that they will probably never get back to. And socialized medicine isn't a bad idea if it is played out correctly. And stealing from the rich to give to the poor (redistribution of wealth) is also a bunch of bullshit.

Thanks to Hilary for this wonderful post

2008-11-02T20:22:00.006-07:00

Dear Red States

If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. That includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs do turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce,92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90%of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe the earth is only 6,000 years old and Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws; 44% say that evolution is only a theory; 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than us lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

--the Blue States

How things are going...

2008-10-24T10:59:00.002-06:00

I don't have any pictures but I'll tell you all how things are going. I am currently 25 1/2 weeks along. We have been to the hospital once for dehydration and a GI bug. And now we have a cold.
We have welcomed home Logan from his mish in the DR. And we are soon to endure the Miss Utah USA pageant in November.
I am SOOOO ready for the nursery to be finished, but we haven't even started yet. Anyone that would like to help is more than welcome to come over on Sunday. We need to clean out the "office" and pretty much rearrange our entire house.... :)

Tyson and I are very excited to have a baby boy. Tyson talks to my stomach and still calls the baby Jesus. We have chosen his name to be Atlas Thomas Whitehead.

23 weeks

2008-10-12T20:29:00.003-06:00

Alright kids, we're at about 23 weeks (almost 24).

Tyson and I have registered for stuff at Target and Babies'r'us

Below are some things that we want really bad and would also benefit our child... so if you are interested... that'd be great....

Water Softener

Dining Table & Chairs

Broom & Dust pan

Crock pot

Hard core awesome shelves to go in our garage

Sewing machine (Jessica really wants to sew!!)

Paint for baby room

and a Crib of course! (but the one we want is specific and for the set of the crib and dresser it's $900, so feel free to donate to our fund)

Thanks for your time.... below is baby bump at 22 weeks....

It's A Boy!!!!

2008-09-20T11:56:00.003-06:00

Hi Friends-

Tyson and I have found out that our little pea is a BOY!!!

Here is the latest bump picture. As soon as I figure out how to put a video on here, then I'll upload the ultrasound.

I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself (see blog below)

2008-09-18T21:35:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH0xzsogzAk
What an honest man.... Oh wait...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioy90nF2anI&feature=related
Who knows where he REALLY stands?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEtZlR3zp4c
McCain vs. McCain. We don't have to dig up his past, let's look at his present.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67ANtTZpCmE&feature=related
Supports the War? Jokes about the war.

I'm not saying that Obama is a better candidate than John McCain. All I'm saying is that we need to be more aware of who we are voting for. Disregard religion, politics, and war. It's important to look at the integrity of a person that will be running an entire country. Honestly, I don't care who wins. Tyson and I are fully prepared to move out of the country as soon as possible. America, is not the greatest country. We are just as corrupt and dishonest as the countries that we are "fighting" against.

I do think that this may be THE time to start voting 3rd party. As I have said previously, there are more than 2 parties in the country. Look at the other candidates. They are just as important. The point of voting is NOT to vote for the person that is going to win. The point is to use your vote wisely. Vote for the person that you feel has integrity.
When it comes down to it, the public vote does NOT matter. All that matters is what the electoral college says. Majority rules.

Sorry kids.

Vote for Mickey Mouse.

Inspired by my sister in law....

2008-09-06T19:30:00.002-06:00

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DON'T LIKE SWEARING
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE GOING TO ARGUE WITH ME
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE AN IDIOT

This is dedicated to all that want to spout political bullshit when they know absolutely nothing about it. Not to say by any means that I know what I'm talking about, because I don't. For President, I am voting for Mickey Mouse. Not only does he have more experience but he's never been involved in an scandals or ethics violations. And he has been with the same woman for over 50 years and never spouts his religious views on anyone else.

Just because Senator John McCain has added a vagina to the ticket -
DOESN'T MEAN HE CARES ABOUT YOURS!
Sarah Palin is pretty much against every women's rights issue - EVER.

Pro-Choice - If a women get's pregnant - it is ABSOLUTELY her choice to decide what she wants to do with her body. After being pregnant - I MORE AGREE WITH THIS NOW THAN EVER!!!!! If I want to kill my baby tomorrow and my body is in danger - damn fuckin' straight I'll do it. And don't EVEN question me on that. As of right now, baby does NOT have a right to live. I do. Sure that makes me a selfish bitch and God is going to strike me down, oh well. Trust me if God hasn't struck me down already, there isn't much else I can do to piss him off.

Let's talk about education and research - OH PLEASE!!
Do you even know who all the political candidate's for president are?? Guess what?! They aren't just O'Bama and McCain. DO YOUR RESEARCH JACKASS! Although there are two main political parties in the United States, they are NOT the only ones, nor have they been the only ones since the inception of the United States.

K - that's all.

The pregnancy...

2008-08-29T15:25:00.004-06:00

First of all... let's talk about the rules of my blog..
If you are easily offended - DON'T READ IT
If you don't want to know about my personal life - DON'T READ IT
If you don't like too much information - DON'T READ IT

Okay - with that said.....

Here is what I have learned about since I have been pregnant....

Constant nausea is terrible. I would rather be in constant pain then be sick all day everyday. I'm not throwing up but I want to. I can gag at the thought of any kind of food or anything like that.

Constipation sucks... it's a pretty common thing with pregnancy (so I hear) and it really sucks.

I have now learned what sciatic nerve is. It hurts during pregnancy because apparently my pelvis is getting bigger to accomodate for the baby.... This nerve hurts mostly when I am walking or standing.

There is another nerve in the front of my pelvis near my ovary that also hurts. Walking helps the sciatic nerve to not hurt anymore but makes this other nerve hurt worse. Great...

Last but not least (and don't tell anyone) sex is awesome when you're pregnant!!!! HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHA

Most of what you see in the pictures above is gas, i'm not really that big yet...

BAHAMAS!!!

2008-08-29T15:16:00.002-06:00

Here is Tyson and his whiteness at the beautiful beach!!!
We were in the airport and I was VERY happy to see a Chik-Fil-A.

Here is Kate. She was very happy to see us at Miss Teen USA.
Britt and Me and Finals night for Miss Teen USA. (I put makeup on)
Our toes.... (me and tyson)
Tyson looks weird in this picture...

I've Been Tagged

2008-08-13T19:13:00.002-06:00

I'm only doing this because my sister tagged me and it's her birthday (month) so I'll do it. Nobody else tag me please. And I'm not going to tag anyone else because these are dumb.

Six Words to Describe My Life:
1. Nausea
2. Wife
3. Student
4. Helper
5. Busy
6. Hungry

Here is an Update

2008-07-29T19:44:00.009-06:00

Lots has been going on.. obviously... so here is just some fun pictures to show you...

This is my hair before....

This is my hair now... cute!!

That's Warner-Dog at Marin's Wedding - he was pretty much the cutest guy there....

That's Tyson eating cotton candy. Marin had cotton candy at her wedding - delicious!

That's me and Warner-Dog's mom, Abbie.

And how about this for pimp? Marin road away in a freakin' helicoptor!! Yeah - the rest of us have Camry's.

Then the Pizza Party with Suzie's 3 boys, Hunter, Forrester, & Saige, was fun!!

Oops...

2008-07-08T17:14:00.002-06:00

Coffee Snob

2008-04-16T14:10:00.007-06:00

I never thought this would happen to me...

I have turned into a coffee bitch. It's true. I have truly turned into that picky girl in front of you at the coffee shop that has a long list of how her coffee needs to be made. Dammit.

I began my coffee experience when I was around 16 years old. My friend in high school, Britney, took me to a coffee shop and ordered me a mocha cappuccino. It took a little bit of getting used to, but after my third time trying it, I was hooked. I then began to frequent coffee shops in the downtown area and I would order a tall mocha cappuccino, every time. I became a regular and whenever I would go to a certain shop, they would pretty much already have my drink made by the time I got to the front of the line to pay.

I went to one coffee shop and was talking to the barista, and I told him that I had never tried anything besides my mocha cappuccino. He said, "Well let me make you something" I agreed with the stipulation that it be sweet and doesn't taste like coffee. And he made me a Vanilla Latte. I fell in love with it, and then began getting vanilla latte's from there.

In the summer of 2003, I was on vacation on was unable to drink Vanilla Latte's. I was taught by a roommate how to drink "regular coffee". I filled it with extra sugar and creamer. I spent two weeks drinking "regular" coffee. With no latte's.

Since then I have tried several coffee drinks and I always go back to my vanilla latte's. And I have realized exactly how I like my vanilla latte. This morning I found myself saying these words to drive up Starbucks:

"Grande 6 pump vanilla latte with skim milk and no foam"

No pillows

2008-04-14T14:11:00.002-06:00

I've decided that sleeping in the front seat of my car is better than sleeping anywhere else. I love it. I feel more comfortable, safe and I can just listen to my music and chill. I enjoy it. And it's nice when I have been working in the morning and I have two hours before I have to be in class. Instead of going to the library and doing my homework (who the hell does that anyway), I just sleep in my car and have a nice nap. I wake up feeling refreshed, with a red face and fuzzy hair.
I also think it's funny because I can only imagine what people are thinking as they walk by. Or the other cars that think I am pulling out and I'm not. They probably get pretty pissed off.
I pretty much sleep in my car at least twice a week. So if you're ever in the parking lot at Westminster College, look for me in my brown Camry.

However- let me still say that sleeping in my bed with my husband will beat sleeping in my car any day!!

Myspace

2008-03-28T15:26:00.002-06:00

Why I hate myspace:

-Spam mostly. I don't want to be your friend. Unless you know me and I feel comfortable to swear around you!! hahahahaha.

-I can't post pics very well on there without wasting a crap load of my time making them smaller.

-All the different pages. I like some personalization, but mostly uniformity!! Seriously - I hate the pages that I can't read and take FOREVER to start up. LAME

-The advertisements on myspace are especially lame. Seriously, I have a degree already, no I don't want to find out if I'm fat, I don't care what is on tv tonight, and I definitely don't care who the rapper/tv star/celebutant is behind the glasses.

- It seems like myspace has gotten 10x slower than it used to be before the "change over".

- AND it seems like there is at least 1-5 links that NEVER work or take 5 times of going back and forth to actually get to the site...

Although I do hate all of these things about myspace, I do still check it everyday. However, I am considering giving up on myspace and switching over completely to Facebook!!! hahahahaha
No really...

If you're bored...and are avoiding writing your paper....

2008-03-10T16:41:00.006-06:00

I stole this from someone else's blog....

1. Go to photobucket.com

2. Type in your answer for each question into the PhotoBucket search bar.

3. Choose your favorite photo to represent your answer.

4. Copy the html and paste it here.

5. Answer only in picture form.

What is your FIRST name?

(you have no idea how many myspace pics I had to go through)

When is your birthday?

What kind of car do you want?

Where did/do you go to school?

What is your favorite season?

What is your favorite type of shoe?

What is your status?

What is your favorite movie?

What is your favorite Song?

Who is your favorite Disney character?

What is your favorite clothing line?

What is your favorite dessert?

What are you most afraid of?

What is your favorite TV Show?

What annoys you most?

What is your job?

What is your favorite animal?

How Old Are You?

DO IT

I almost went vegetarian...

2008-03-10T16:26:00.002-06:00

Lord knows that I have seen my fair share of meat through my short life. And I have been around several individuals who eat vegetarian or vegan. As those people know, I have much respect and admiration for them because I have absolutely no will power. I like the way meat tastes and I'm too lazy to be picky about what I eat. Oh, and I really like sushi.

However, my husband and I went to Costco yesterday, and we wandered over to their meat department. Normally we do not buy meat at Costco because we don't eat that much meat. But we thought we might be able to get a better price and be able to freeze a large amount so we didn't have to keep going grocery shopping (different time, different blog: grocery shopping). I became sick to my stomach looking at all of that meat. I hate raw meat, and I hate looking at meat. But I'll eat it. But seeing all of that meat, made me question my own eating habits. Everytime I make anything that's not fish, I question it. Do I really want to eat something that was treated badly and pumped full of hormones? Hmm, I don't know. Is that weird? A lot of people would say ABSOLUTELY NOT - but I don't know. I had a grandma that had a farm, and there was a really cute baby calf named Buttercup. I liked to play with Buttercup. Then, a few months later we went back to grandma's and had dinner. When we arrived, I asked what we were having dinner. Her reply was "Buttercup". So - I guess I was exposed early to eating animals that I had played with as pets.

I always make excuses as to why I'm not vegetarian or vegan:

1. I'm too lazy to watch what I eat all of the time

2. I have no self control. When I'm hungry I want to eat right now. I don't want to wait.

3. Sometimes a nice steak tastes DAMN good.

So my conclusion, I'm thinking that I won't be a vegetarian or vegan but I will do my best to eat meat in moderation.

The problem with making spaghetti...

2008-02-07T13:12:00.001-07:00

I'll admit right now that I am not a cook. I like to make things in the microwave, or go out to eat. I like eating out because I don't have to do anything except decide what I want. I also like to have a selection, and going out to eat provides that. HOWEVER - being newly weds and owning a new home, not to mention bills, we are unable to eat out as much as I would like. So, I have forced myself to learn to cook. I don't mind it too much because I can pretty much just zone out while I'm doing it and think about my day. The part I hate the most is cleaning up, mostly POTS. I hate cleaning pots and pans. And there are certain things that I make that are just delicious, but I'm scared to stray from what I know. One thing I can make that is easy is spaghetti. Meat, Sauce, Noodles - how hard can it be? For some reason, I can never get the amounts right. I either make too many noodles or too much sauce. EVERY time I make it, I get it wrong. So then we end up with left over meat sauce in the refrigerator. And then you say, "make more noodles." So, I make more noodles and then I have too many noodles in the refrigerator. I can't wait until the money starts coming in again and I can start eating out.....

Wuv, twu, wuv

2008-01-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

For those of you that do not know me, or did not make it to my wedding, here are some of our engagement pictures!!

2007-11-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

This is my new niece, Savannah Marie Cook. HOW CUTE! Check out those cheeks. She is a very good baby, not a lot of crying but lots of drooling and smiling. Check out her onesie:
"Crawling is for Criminals" courtesy of Bikers Edge.

The Family Tree

2007-11-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

So, I will preface this blog by saying that it may come off bitchy, rude and ungrateful. Now it being Thanksgiving and all, I should be writing about things that I appreciate. However, I have only begun to realize the things that I am not grateful for. I understand that family is blood and that you should always appreciate family. But I often question if I am adopted. Not that I think that I'm better than my family, but I just wonder where all of their brain cells went. I just don't feel like I know them at all. I've spent 23 years with these people and I still don't know them. I don't know how they think, why they think that way, or who they are. A part of me blames them but another part of me blames myself. I have conditioned myself to be annoyed every time I am around them. But there is some desire to get to know them, as people.
A part of me is very grateful that I do have them in my life, because they do keep me normal.

My Honeymoon

2007-07-15T00:40:00.000-06:00

Sunday - We left late in the afternoon and planned to just stop in Reno to sleep and then driving the rest of the way to San Francisco. Well, I had never driven this route so I was very interested. Some things that I noticed: Wendover sucks. It's like 2 miles and I don't even know if there are more than 2 gas stations. However, the salt flats are awesome!!! I'd never seen them before and they were completely mesmerizing. Reno sucks too, but I think most of Nevada sucks, unless you're in Vegas. I'm pretty sure everyone knew that already and if you didn't, you do now!

Monday - Left Reno and went the long way through Lake Tahoe. Lake Tahoe is very pretty, and very yuppie. We stopped off for less than 15 minutes and walked on the beach, it was cold. We then continued on to our destination, San Francisco. The drive was pretty short, and apparently we passed a lot of wild fires (I was asleep, Tyson told me this). We finally arrived in San Francisco and Tyson almost killed us a couple of times because he was staring at the bridges that we were driving over, while he was driving. We got to our hotel and unpacked a little. And we realized that we were staying in a handicap room (that story later). Then we decided to go and walk around Fisherman's Wharf. Which is a complete tourist trap! It's completely ridiculous, I understood then why locals hate that place. But we did go over to Pier 39 and ate at Bubba Gump Shrimp. It was really good! We then walked back to our hotel and got harassed by some bums. Tyson was keeping a bum count the entire trip!

Tuesday - Today was really fun. We mastered the bus system and went to the Golden Gate Park, which is about the size of Salt Lake City. We walked through the Japanese Tea Garden, which was very relaxing. And I introduced Tyson to Nan Nan's, yummy chocolate thing with cracker sticks. Then we went and looked at the Lobby and outside of the de Young Museum, it was really cool architecture. We also walked through the Conservatory of flowers which definitely wasn't worth paying for. We then rode a bus over to Haight Ashbury and looked at all the hippy stuff, that was kind of fun, but it seemed like a bunch of really expensive stores with crap. We rode the bus downtown to Union Square, which is just more expensive stores. And of course, we rode the cable cars, it was fun to watch Tyson act like a little school boy. He always wants to know how things work. THEN, Tyson had to push me up Lombard Street to see the curvy top of it. I was VERY tired at the this point because we had been walked A LOT. Finally we went back to the hotel and watched a really cool tattoo documentary. Apparently there is a guy that is obsessed with Disney characters and has over 1000 Disney characters tattooed on his body. Weird.

Wednesday - Today we woke up semi-early and rode a little outside of San Fran to go to Six Flags. Six Flags was super fun! Tyson's hair got pretty crazy and we had fun riding the rides. The lines were awesome because they were REALLY short. We then drove back and relaxed in our hotel for a little. Then we went to a Pizza Place that was next to our hotel. Now, the pizza was okay, but it was the WORST service EVER!!!!! I'm not kidding, the girl didn't even come and refill our drinks, Tyson had to walk back into the kitchen to get his drink refilled. Then once we received our check, she never came back to get it! I had to walk back behind the counter and give it her. I was so pissed! Tyson was pretty mad too (yes it happens) so he left a 15 cent tip. OUCH!

Thursday - We had to wake up early today to catch a bus to one of the touristy tours that we arranged for ourselves. We went on a bus ride to Muir Woods, which is just outside of San Fran with the big redwood trees. And these trees are HUGE, it was so amazing and quiet. I think I would have liked to stay somewhere quiet instead of in the city, but it was still really fun! After the woods, the bus drove over to Sousalito, which is a small bay city. It is so beautiful! But it's definitely a rich place to be!
After that we went back to the hotel and hung out. And then we walked down to Pier 39 and met up for the Sunset Bay Cruise. There were incredibly loud asians, whom I wanted to kill. I hate loud people, especially loud asians.

Friday - Today was a lot of walking and traveling around in the city by public transportation. I love big cities, because public transportation kicks ass. First we went to the Exploratorium. This was a children's museum for adults! It was a lot of fun, but definitely bring some hand sanitizer because it's kind of nasty. Then we rode the bus to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art (SFMOMA). It was a lot of fun to see art and hang out with my husband. Then we WALKED to a restaurant called the Stinking Rose. This place was awesome!!! And it was delicious!!! I love garlic, so this was my heaven.

Saturday - Today was pretty chill, we hung out with each other for the most part of the day. Then we went to a little place called, The Aquarium of the Bay. This was lame, but there was a little kid that was completely CONVINCED that we were actually under the Bay. It was hysterical. And then we sat in line for the Alcatraz night tour. This was probably one of the highlights of our honeymoon. Alcatraz was a lot of fun and had a lot of history behind it. It also was a damn good idea, however, VERY expensive. The night tour is the best tour because you get to be on the island at night and it's an extra long tour. Even though there weren't a lot of deaths in that place, it was pretty creepy just to be in there. But it was a lot of fun!

Sunday - Time to go home!!! Yeah - fun!! As we drove out of California, we stopped at the Jelly Belly factory!!! It was a lot of fun. We did a tour through the factory (where pictures are not allowed). And we got TONS of jelly bellies at a discount! There are also these one jelly bellies that do not make the "jelly belly cut" and are packaged and called Belly Flops! They are retarded jelly bellies!!! HAHAHA.... they are awesome!!

That was our honeymoon!!!!

07-07-07 - The Wedding

2007-07-13T23:24:00.000-06:00

It finally came. After all of the crazy things that went on (see below, Bridezilla) and many more that was not on this page, the day came and went. I wouldn't say that everything went perfectly but I think that it went very well.
I started my day off by going to the hairdresser and getting all of my hair curled and put into boby pins on top of my head. I then went home and packed up my things for the night and the day after. I didn't have very much to take care of because it had been taken care of by my mother, father and soon-to-be husband. I simply loaded up my car with the simple things and started to drive up to Snowbird. On the way I called a couple of my friends that would be unable to make it to my wedding (Emily!!!).
Once at Snowbird I met up with my parents and checked into my room. I was bored and I couldn't just sit in my room so I decided to start unload and help set up the event. I'm glad I was there because there were certain things that I wanted and it worked out perfectly, sort of.
It was about 4 when my bridesmaids were suppose to arrive. I started getting ready. I was about 10 minutes in getting ready. And it's a good thing because a car was in flames at the bottom of the canyon!
The ceremony was beautiful. My flower lady did such a wonderful job with taking what was in my head and creating a ceremony that was even better! My veil was bothering me almost the entire time and I wanted to rip it off my face. However, Tyson said I looked pretty. The ceremony went beautifully and smooth. The judge did talk a little too much for my taste, but at least he didn't say anything to make me mad, and to be honest I really don't even remember what he did say.
After the ceremony we took some pictures. And I really just wanted to make out with my new husband, but I guess that would have been a little inappropriate. The pictures turned out great but while we were taking them I just didn't want to take any and I wasn't in the mood to be in front of a camera. However, during the cocktail hour my hors devours were great and they looked wonderful. Some people felt a little apprehensive about the whole cocktail hour thing, but there wasn't even any alcohol!
The dinner was great, however, I've learned that I don't like to eat anyone's salmon except my own. I make the best salmon ever!!! Although not a lot of people danced, the cake was great and I had fun. Tyson and I are very good hosts and I can't wait to start having dinner parties!!!

Trying to be professional in an unprofessional profession

2007-06-22T23:00:00.000-06:00

The mental health industry is the most unhealthy and unprofessional work a person can work in. It is a job that is driven by emotion and is completely illogical. Of course this is completely expected among that people that are receiving treatment or therapy. However, it is quite surprising when this comes from the people that are supposedly giving the treatment or therapy.
I've worked in this industry for 6 years and the one thing that I have learned is to always say that you trust someone but never actually trust them because it will 9 times out of 10 backfire on you. People in the mental health industry are driven by emotion. Emotional people are dangerous. Emotions make people do stupid things not to mention unprofessional things.
In a REAL business if there is a problem with employees they are expected to work it out and if they can't work it out then they go to their boss or whatever, and apparently the boss is supposed to be unbiased. However, in the REAL business world, most of the time people do one of two things, they either work it out or get over it and move on with their lives. I think that in the mental health industry people will automatically hold a resentment or grudge against that person, even if they say that they work it out, they will still hate each other. I think that it's ridiculous that in the mental health industry people are supposed to be teaching others how to live a healthy lifestyle and how to work out their problems but they can't even seem to do it themselves.
Many people say that people that work in the mental health industry are pretty unhealthy themselves and need therapy. I've decided that they are correct. Anyone that really wants to work in an area like that must be crazy. They can't deal with problems in their own lives so they decide to fix someone's life from the outside. I don't really know what that says about me, do I have a messed up life? Do I need therapy? Or am I one of those people that actually have good idealistic intentions to touch someones life in a positive way? I guess we won't know.....

Lullaby

2007-06-02T17:17:00.000-06:00

Hate to break it to all of you Chuck fan's but guess what? This book wasn't so great. I compare every Chuck book to Survivor because I think that was one of his greatest books ever!! Lullaby is basically about a man and woman with secrets. I think that we all have secrets and I must question whether or not having these is a bad or a good thing. Secrets can sometimes kill a person, but sometimes they can make you stronger as well. So what are my secrets? Are they my doubts? Or my thoughts? I'm the type of person that usually says what's on my mind so I don't know if I really have any secrets or not. If you define secrets as something that no one else knows. I consider my secrets to be my thoughts that I don't say out loud, the thoughts that often consume my time. The time that I should be sleeping, or working, or showering, or driving. So I'll admit that my thoughts are pretty random, and could be considered my secrets. By reading my blog I guess you are also being a witness to some of my secrets.
Book Rating Scale: 1

Miss Universe

2007-05-28T23:51:00.000-06:00

The Greatest Moment in pageant history has taken place this evening. Miss Universe 2008 was a very entertaining pageant! I will first give you an overview of what took place and then I will give you some pictures for your viewing pleasure.
The night started out boring with the same opening number as Miss USA, and then the girls were in cages on stage doing a little dance! That was again, terrible.
Top 15 were called(of which I rightly guessed 9 of them):
Venezuela, Thailand, Denmark, Nicaragua, Angola, Slovenia, USA, Brazil, India, Mexico, Japan, Ukraine, Tanzania, Korea and Czech Republic.
The swimsuit competition was great, the lowest score was Ukraine with a 7.900 and the highest was Japan with a 9.599.
The Top 10 were called (I got 8 out of 10)
Brazil, India, Japan, Angola, Venezuela, USA, Korea, Tanzania, Nicaragua, and Mexico.
Now the greatest moment of ALL pageant history was when Miss USA fell right on her butt!!! I have never laughed so hard in my life, I had tears streaming down my face, my stomach hurt, it was the best ab work out I have ever had.
Even after all of this, top 5 were called, (I had 5 out of 5) Venezuela, Korea, Brazil, USA, Japan. When they called Miss USA into top 5, the great Mexican crowd Booed!!!! I know I shouldn't be laughing about this but it was hilarious!
After Miss USA was booed during her entire final question, here is how it ended:
4th runner-up : Miss USA
3rd runner-up: Korea
2nd runner-up: Venezuela
1st runner-up: Brazil
Winner: Japan
Brazil and Venezuela were robbed, but oh well. I could have cared less who won, after seeing this:

Yes ladies and gentlemen, on her ass, in front of about 90 billion viewers! Go USA!!!!

Thank God for Random Play All

2007-05-21T23:15:00.000-06:00

As I was doing my one good deed a week as a house wife/girlfriend (doing dishes and making pizza dough), I was listening to my mp3 player and I decided that my Zen is psychic. 95% of the time my mp3 player can predict what I want to listen to. Now, I don't know if that is because I get a sense of nostalgia when I hear certain Green Day or Tori Amos songs and so I don't mind these songs playing, or if my player is actually psychic and can read my emotions and thoughts. No matter what it is, I have decided that with my 1468 songs, I'm very grateful for the Random Play All button.
Sometimes I feel that my life is on the Random Play All setting. I feel very up and down and it seems my mood changes every 3 minutes, just as my songs on my Zen do. At one point I think that I am stable and that I have a niche. However, I soon realize that all of this is not true and I am still unstable in my job, my life and my music.... So the question is, how do I take my life off of Random Play All?

Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

2007-05-17T18:52:00.000-06:00

My review of Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. First of all, I do not claim to be a professional writer, nor a professional reviewer person (is there a name for that?). When I began reading this book I was aware that I was reading a memoir. My favorite kind of books to read are memoirs, auto-biographies, and biographies. This book seemed very interesting to me because it was about a child who grew up in unique and different circumstances. I like these kinds of books because they make me feel normal... haha
However I began to realize half-way through the book that this author seems to have no emotion about his life. I guess that's the reaction one must make when faced with such difficulty. However, it is normal to have emotion when looking back on it and writing about it. The author began to describe his pedophilia boyfriend (whom was 20 years older), his crazed mother who left him to her shrink, and his best friend that began giving blowjobs when she was 12. Now I realize that I have read worse books, I guess I just thought that it was going to be better, considering that it was made into a major motion picture. Usually books that have movies made about them, are pretty good.
I am glad to say that I did finish the book, in fact, I couldn't put it down. I don't know if that is because I wanted to get to the point or because the author actually had me interested. Whatever it was, I will say that I enjoyed the book, it is a 3 on a scale of 1-5.

Bride Zilla

2007-05-17T18:25:00.000-06:00

Planning a wedding is a nightmare. At first it is something that seems fun and interesting, but once you get half way through, it starts to eat at you and nothing goes right. To begin this roller coaster story, we start with booking the reception/ceremony location. Since I was small I have always wanted to do my wedding at the McCune Mansion in Salt Lake City. So I went and had a look around and realized that our guests (mostly Tyson's family) would not be accommodated at this place, it was just too small. So, I began looking around Salt Lake City. We wanted our ceremony to be outside and a sit down dinner for our guests, and of course a reception with all the desserts and dancing. (I say we, but I think I really mean me). I decided on a reception center up Millcreek Canyon. I called and penciled my name on their calendar, and spoke to several people about what I wanted. I then called a couple of months later because I hadn't heard from anyone, and came to realize that someone else had called and taken the date and payed their deposit, therefore kicking me out.... I was very sad. I felt that this was a sign that Vegas was calling my name. Then I moved on to a different location, The Grand America Hotel. Now I knew that I was setting my sights high, however I was NOT aware that it would cost us $4000 just to get in the door. So that was down the toilet as well. Finally we decided and signed a contract for the Golden Cliff & Eagle's Nest at the Snowbird Resort Hotel, The Cliff Lodge. Two days after I signed the contract I got a call saying that they had double booked this location and that I was being kicked out AGAIN. This one definitely broke the camel's back and I was just devastated. I cried for a whole day and felt again, that I should go to Vegas (which now I realize I should have). They gave me the option for a ballroom, or the Atrium, a restaurant at the hotel. I decided to go with the Atrium, however I was still very upset (and still am for that matter). Since then, the Snowbird faculty have informed me that they are going to be unable to seat all of my guests, that I can not get in to the restaurant to set up until 4pm (my wedding starts at 5) and that they may or may not be able to give me the food that I have requested.
So after all of this (and it's not over) I have decided that planning your wedding ahead of time, doesn't make it any less stressful. All it does is give you the idea that you have plenty of time and you put things off until the end. Also, a big fancy wedding really isn't necessary. Well, I guess I can't really say that because it hasn't happened yet, so I don't have an official position, however the way it's going I can say that it's not the best thing ever.